Tab Tries: Going to Hive sober

“Go to Hive sober,” they said. “It will be fun,” they said.

Before embarking on a night out at Edinburgh’s notorious Hive, there are a few things you should know.

1. You will get used to the smell.

2. You should not – under any circumstances – touch the walls.

Having never crossed the threshold of Hive without already having consumed enough cheap vodka to tranquilize a small horse, I always knew that giving it a shot completely sober was going to be interesting.

Things didn’t get off to a good start, as I entered an entirely empty club.

Where is everyone?

The above picture is slightly misleading – a solitary soul was having the time of his life fist pumping to Calvin Harris just out of the shot. He is already the subject of a discussion between the formidable bouncers, who are deciding whether or not it would be too cruel to throw him out at just 23:08.

Upon entry, The first thing I noticed was the smell. I did, however, get used to it. Gyrating, sweaty clientele are too busy sucking face and/or crying about the downward spiral their social lives must have taken to have ended up at Hive to notice what can only be described as the smell of sweat mixed with knock-off Jager.

Things to which I was drunkenly oblivious are painfully obvious to sober people. The seats are covered in a suspicious layer of something wet and slimy. I’m scared to sit down in case I catch some sort of disease. Dripping from the walls is something I hope is not sweat (but probably is). That cute couple cuddling on the dancefloor are actually busy conceiving a mini Hive-goer. And I’m not sure I want to know what is smeared all over the girls’ bathroom.

After 2am, I witness people “panic buying” – a common situation for anyone who hasn’t pulled an hour before closing time. Anybody will do. The amount of inappropriate grabbing, licking and grinding is inescapable. I feel like I’m trapped in some manic, sweaty orgy, fuelled by self-hatred.

So I do what any sensible person would have done in my situation. I busied myself photobombing happy couples and wondering why in God’s name I signed up for this.

Fig 1: Photobombing

Fig 2: Still photobombing

Hive does have a certain ‘charm’. Most people there seem to be enjoying themselves, even if that does involve something quite different to “good, clean fun.”

Safe to say, I won’t be rushing back sober. But the allure of Hive is difficult to resist, especially on a student budget! So I’m sure I will be rushing back… maybe with a drink in hand this time.