Why Durham Students Have the Best Sex in Britain

Durham University students have the best sex in Britain∗. But why?

My research on this stimulating topic brought up a few possible theories, but I’m not sure any of them have quite nailed it…

1) Durham is cold. Body warmth is important.

There is no doubting that this argument is appealingly pragmatic, but unfortunately Durham isn’t the coldest place in Britain – Edinburgh surely wins out on this one (there are probably colder University towns in Scotland but my interest in the country is limited). 

2) Durham students are the most ‘academically stimulating’ as a result of the high intellectual calibre necessary to gain a place at this prestigious place of learning.

This may well have an inkling of truth behind it, but I would have thought, academics play a negligible role in the actual quality of sex. Delivering lines of Shakespeare while in ‘the act’ has never worked for me yet…

But the true spanner in the works for argument number 2 is that, as hard as this is to admit for a Durham student, Oxbridge might just have a claim to the highest calibre of students. At least, their students are on a par in terms of IQ with our very own. Argument 2 therefore, cannot be the reason why Durham students have the best sex either.

3) Durham students have generations of ‘good breeding’ behind them, and are thus superior both physically and socially, making them more attractive to the opposite sex.

Lastly, this is surely the most likely of them all. With a gene-pool that sometimes seems as small as my garden pond, what with everyone being so middle-class and well brought up, Durham is a university where the majority of people are very ‘socially comfortable’.

The shockingly good/bad stat that almost two thirds of Durham alumni are married to … yes … Durham alumni, is testimony to this fact. However, while this argument has its enticements, it is highly self-satisfied and makes for uncomfortable reading. Luckily therefore, this argument isn’t the winner in my opinion either.

While comfort and confidence undoubtedly lead to good sex, I really believe that there is one more reason, the best reason in fact, why Durham students have the best sex.

The true answer is this: there is nothing better to do.

What is there to do in Durham? The cinema, I hear you cry? Well, no, there’s only so many times you can go to the cinema, especially at that price, and anyway, the screens at the Gala are about the same size as the TV in my house in the Viaduct.

The cathedral? At this point, I must admit to have taken a tour around the cathedral at least once, but this is normally reserved for parent days, and correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think the cathedral has changed all that much in the last thousand years so I’m not hopeful for wholesale redevelopment in the next few weeks.

What about Newcastle? A trip for the eternal dreamer: everyone says they’re going to go, but no one ever does…

So there we have it, Durham students have the best sex in Britain because there is nothing else to do; they have more time to practice.

Added to this, with the large amount of time spent ‘pumping’ (a beautifully Durham-esque word for sex) students not only hone their current techniques but must also develop new and exciting ways of sprucing up their sex-lives, to avoid burn out in such a sex-rich environment.

No one can deny that the old mining town of Durham is somewhat underdeveloped. We have no one to blame but ourselves, however, as we are now all caught in a pleasurably vicious circle.

Durham students have sex because there is nothing else to do, but there is nothing to do because we have so much sex – I don’t know much about economics but it seems there is not enough ‘demand’ for Durham to develop; we are all too busy ‘supplying’.

And anyway, would we really want Durham to change? Not a bit of it.

∗ The One has absolutely no proof or evidence to back up this statement.