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Everything you notice on a night out sober

Ditch the Ciroc, it’s time for a new buzz: sobriety

Controversial as it is, being sober while everyone else around you is drunk is a lot more entertaining than you'd think. It's like watching a Seth Rogen movie with a James Franco cameo but you're actually in it. Everyone is losing their minds and you're the only one who'll remember it.

Whether you went 18 years totally sober or your first night out in Cov was 'just another Tuesday', this article will apply to you. From the darkest recesses of your mind comes the memories, or lack thereof, of those many nights that you got black out drunk.

Besides the obvious perks like being functional enough to film everything for the sake of future blackmail and keeping hold of your phone and keys, here are all the things you're missing on your drunk night out, and not all of them are cute.

Smokers is actually death

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When your drunk friends pull your sober ass into the smoking area, it means you're going to die soon. Probably of pneumonia, maybe of smoke inhalation. Run. Run away because if you're in the Kasbah smoking area, they're going to be buying drinks from the Tiki bar and you will be there forever. Tiki bar takes longest – let it be known.

Basically, drunk people seem to forget that the smoking area is actually outside, no matter how cute and dressed up clubs like Kasbah make it look.

You realise just how wasted people are

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It's ridiculous how much people spend on alcohol in clubs, despite the fact they've been mashed since pres. Only abhorrent amounts of alcohol can numb the pain of JJ's playing Frozen's 'Let it Go' for the third time in the night. If you're sober, you watch this all in abject horror.

By the end, they're puking their guts out and falling all over the floor shrieking like banshees on Spon Street. Be careful, Fake Taxi dude lurks around there. Me? I'm going home and getting into bed with no fear of tomorrow's hangover.

No one looks after guys

Honestly, it's scary. When a girl gets wasted, everyone rushes to her side to save her, but when a guy gets smashed, they're all on their own.

You only really notice when you're sober just how trashed the guys are, and how they're entirely left to their own devices. Look out for your fellow man.

There are angels in Empire freshers week

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We're referring to those girls in blue t-shirts who walk arm in arm on the dance floor, keeping an eye out for anyone in an uncomfortable situation. They make eye contact with you and mouth out, 'are you okay?'.

If you shake your head, better believe they'll rescue you from that situation. They'll pull that creepy guy off you and distract him while you make your get away. When you're not fucked out of your mind you fully appreciate these good samaritans.

Catch 22 and Empire are littered with sugar baby wannabe's

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Seriously, get a grip. You start to notice that the club owners walk around all night with that weird 'I'm Batman and I'm watching over Gotham' vibe like they're Ghost from 'Power'. I guess some of the girls are super into that?

The girls claw at their chests and giggle and try to sneak cheek kisses at the end of the night . And for those of you who were too drunk remember, these are middle aged men.

We've got a vendetta against Mr Brightside

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Me in Kasbah when Mr Brightside finally finishes and goes back to Drake

Mr Brightside and Baby Shark EDM remixes belong in the bin. No, the bin isn't harsh enough. They deserve to be collected by the Coventry local Skip Hire and crushed in a garbage disposal.

They're so overplayed it's driving us insane. Honestly, all EDM remixes are getting tired. Just once, we'd like the hear the whole song. This is only made more unbearable by the absence of alcohol running through your veins.

Alcohol brings out the snake in people

Too many girls have been ditched by their 'girlfriends' because they got too messy in the club and ended up drunk and alone on a BOOM! Tuesday in JJ's. Everyone's worst nightmare.

Being sober allows you to see which friends care more about catching a new bae than actually giving a shit about the safety of their friends.

The VIP section turns people into Chuck and Blair

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We're talking about the VIP sections you find in Catch 22 or the late Club M (gone but not forgotten). Some girls have deals with the club owners that get them and their friends a booth every time, but don't expect those friends to actually want to spend the night with you.

Those friends are the ones who spend the night snapchatting their sparkling bottles of vodka and sitting miserable and bored the rest of the night, because they value the way VIP makes them look over actually having a good time. I see your VIP booth and bottles of Ciroc and raise you: a glass of water and a peaceful, sober sleep. Honestly, you won't regret it.