Can we all just agree that the nightlife in Burton on Trent is the absolute worst
But we love it anyway and most of us wouldn’t miss a Dirty Thurs
If you're lucky enough to live in the idyllic haven of Burton on Trent (lol) then there's a high chance you will have experienced the rather limited yet unique clubbing scene the town has to offer.
Once your 18th birthday came around, there was no odds about it, you were going to Assoc on Thursday night- or Saturday if you really had to. It was a mark of pride to waltz into Sixth Form on a Friday morning hungover, bragging to your fellow classmates about how you had a mad night clubbing and didn't get home until 4am.
But as soon as you've been hitting up BOT for a fair few months and have ventured elsewhere in the UK, you realise how tragic the nightlife in Burton actually is. Having said that though, a Burton night will always have a special place in your heart.
There's like four small (barely) clubs and a few dingy bars
It's easy to admit Assoc is the classic hub of Burton nightlife, and is THE club to go to if you're out on the town, and is where Dirty Thus is AT. Free entry and one pound Jägerbombs? Sounds lit. People go crazy though when they're charged one pound for entry on a Saturday or bank holiday- very extortionate.
On the other hand, Allure charges five pound for entry- which is scandalous- and Manhattans, or Fever as the locals will remember it, is cheese fest central and frequently full of 25 year olds hyped on Boyzone.
Loco also seems to attract the older clubbers, but is always live on boxing nights.
Bar 15 is a tragedy within itself
Bar 15 literally only attracts people because it's open past 3am. But will you see me pay five quid to get in there? Erm no, get me a taxi home and my bed pls- or a Branny Maccies at a push.
The queues on the last Thursday before Christmas need no further comment.
So when Allure announced that Tinchy Strider was visiting the land of Marmite to perform, everyone got excited and clicked 'interested' on Facebook. But then they realised they couldn't remember the last song he'd brought out since 2009. The real celebs are at Assoc…
Ross Barton from Emmerdale made a classic star studded appearance in 2016, and you can't get anymore famous than him when he graces our screens every week mucking out pigs on the farm.
Lord B's pres
It's not unusual for a Wetherspoons to be the epicentre of pre drinks for half the population, however, Lord B's -otherwise known as The Lord Burton- is such an old mans pub that you feel weird rocking up to the bar on a Thursday night in your Missguided leather skirt asking for a Purple Rain pitcher.
Everyone you've ever met in your life flashes before your eyes as you walk through those heavy doors and onto that classic beer stained carpet.
… And if you go to Prince and Brewers for pres or somewhere classy like the Dial then who actually are you?
Legend has it that if you leave the club ten minutes before closing time then you'll beat the queues at Splash Van. Sounds delightful, doesn't it? Splash Van. Well the 'sausage splash' special is even worse. A hotdog with tinned tomatoes on it, lol.
To be fair though the Splash Van is a classic and we'd be lost without it. Maccies in town shuts before 3am and the 24 hour Branston Maccies is effort to travel to if you cba to pay for two taxi rides- one there from town and then one home. Burger van burgers and hotdogs are life tbh when you've been seshing all night, and creds to the nice ladies who wait up and run Splash Van at such an ungodly hour.
Assoc Smoking area
It's a classic outdoor patio area where you'll make best friends again with a classmate from Primary School and probably take Snap Chat selfies under the infra red lights/ heaters, despite not even smoking. Some people are known to just go out purely for the Assoc smoking area. Classic.
Yep, you'll probs trip over that stage in the middle every time. Also expect to dance to 'Whine and Dance', 'Pull Up to Mi Bumper' and 'Candyshop' every week, because Assoc 'mainroom' is Grime central.
The Assoc toilets in particular are a safe haven where you can guarantee you'll find your drunk mate chatting to CJ. It's tragic, but Assoc lacks a club photographer so most pictures are taken here. A classic group pic in that grand golden framed mirror near the door wouldn't go a miss.
To be honest it's just so annoying that McDonalds in town shuts at 3am. Branston Maccies is piff, but the queues aren't. It won't just be residents of Branston in there either, stragglers from all over, whether it's Barton, Alrewas, Newhall or Stapenhill, will clog up the dinky restaurant.
Seriously, it gets so manic and sometimes I feel sorry for the staff. No word of a lie, I've seen hangry drunks throw nuggets at the staff demanding cheeseburgers- and they've actually been given them for ease.
Getting a taxi home at peak time is the worst. You'll probably end up waiting on the plush couches at 43 with your Splash Van grub. Once you do get a taxi home, you'll deffo do something cringe worthy like haunting the driver with a rendition of primary school classic hymns or a bit of HSM. Either way you'll be friends with Kiing Kahn on Facebook the next day.
Sausage Splash anyone?