Every classic thing that will happen on your clubbing holiday

Ooh, ahh, Malia

Clubbing holidays are known for being nothing more than a week of sun, sex and sand. A quick budget flight to Malia, and boom your summer is sorted. However, there are additional layers to a typical week on the strip, most of which you’ll reminisce about for years.

Here is a list of everything that actually happens whilst on a basic af clubbing holiday.

You’ll probably get tipsy at the airport due to your flight being delayed

Budget airlines are like Marmite, you either love them or hate them. They can be unreliable but they’re dirt cheap. There’s a 99.9 per cent chance you’ll be delayed and stress about the stingy 15kg weight limit, however you’ll soon realise the sacrifice was worth it when the money you saved can be spent on extra oozo shots and fishbowls. Your crew will have an inital rant over the three hour delay, however once a Wetherspoons has been spotted any issues will be resolved with a cheeky cocktail pitcher. You don’t have to be on the coast to get your sex on the beach.

 The hotel probably won’t be as nice as the pictures

After the long flight and sweaty shuttle transfer all you want is a decent room to relax in before you make your debut by the pool or strip. However, the “four star palace in the heart of Malia” which you’ve been bragging about for months, will probably turn out to be a concrete eyesore with a cockroach or two on the balcony. Air con will set you back €20 each, and you’re likely to be fluent in Greek by the time your phone actually loads something over the dodgy wifi. Nonetheless, you’ll get attached to your acccomodation over the week and you definitely won’t care about the mould in the bathroom when you get in from the strip at 6am. Although, you’ve definitely done something wrong if your hotel looks like something from the Inbetweeners…

You’ll end up wearing about 30 per cent of the contents of your suitcase

It may be tempting to spend months looking around shopping centres for the perfect holiday attire, but once you’ve arrived you’re guarenteed to only wear three pairs of shorts and a few nice tops. There’s no need to bring heaps of clubbing clothes which would dazzle in the UK; anyone would be mad to strut down the strip in six inch heels.

Forget clutch bags, bum bags will be your favourite items to wear on nights out

Yes, they’ve made a comeback.

 

On your first day you’ll be hounded by reps

If you’re at one of the biggest hotels, 18-30 reps will parade around targeting you to join the latest bar crawl. If you’re not naïve enough to succumb to their pressure, they’ll most likely ignore you for the rest of the holiday. You’ll go from being their BFF to a total stranger in less than 24 hours. €30 to see Lethal Bizzle? Mate I saw him for four pounds at Glam.

… and on the rest of the holiday you’ll continue to be hounded by more reps

Reps are like a broken record. Every night when you walk down the strip you’ll have the same club reps begging you to come to their club for an unlimited bar.  €10 for unlimited drinks is great until you realise you’re stuck in an empty bar with the same song on loop. During the week you’ll learn to be ruthless and ignore any reps which get in your grill. If you want to go to Cocktails and Dreams for the fifth time in the week, do it.

There’s always one club which plays pure cheese everynight

A bit of ABBA anyone? Or Come on Eileen? Either way you will have perfected the Macarena by the end of the week.

You’ll get so smashed on your first night that you will doubt that you’ll ever be able to drink again… until the next night

€5 for two drinks, four shots and a fishbowl? Don’t mind if I do.

It all goes downhill from here

You’ll definitely do something stupid whilst drunk which could only happen abroad.

Drunken nights out on the strip lead to the best stories which will be talked about for years. Remember that time you thought it was a good idea to climb a 15 foot lifeguard tower on the beach? Or the time you danced on the bar and almost fell off? What about the time you got bitten by a dog at Maccies in Malia and accepted you were going to die of rabies?

 You’ll end up chanting something whilst walking down the strip every night

If it’s not “ooh ahh Maliaaa” it’ll probably be ‘Will Griggs on fire’ on repeat.

 

You’ll probably be ripped off

No matter how wise you are, it’s inevitable that you’ll be ripped off at some point during the holiday. You’ll probably get ripped off after paying €40 for a white party, which offers warm sushi and non existant champagne on arrival and a guest DJ you’ve probably never heard of. The chemist will also do anything to rip you off. You go in to get your sunburn checked and come out €10 poorer.

You’ll ride a quad and race around like you’re the next F1 star

Only in a sunny Mediterranean country with sandy roads and a lack of health and safety regulations can you drive a quad bike. You’ll be ecstatic when you get the keys to your own quad, but will soon realise they’re more trouble than they’re worth. Ten minutes down the road and you’ll probs encounter a flat battery, flat tire or a run in with another vehicle. Thank god you paid extra for insurance…

You’ll also probably go on a pedalo or a banana boat at some point

Is a holiday a holiday without a pedalo? More importantly will you get breathalysed for taking a pedalo out to sea after a heavy night on the strip?

 On your last night, you’ll be ready to go home

At the beginning of your holiday you’ll fear the days and nights going by too quickly. However, after the constant battering of your liver and days feeling hungover in the heat of the med, you’ll definitely feel ready to get home to an early night and a proper meal which doesn’t contain chips. You’ll probs miss the Greek gyros though.

 

… and when you get home you’ll be so tired that you’ll sleep for a whole day, and then you’ll wish you were back on holiday

Anyone up for a last minute trip to Maga?

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