How to be a Cardiff lad
Gains, banter and Lash
For years, MANkind has been on a quest on how to live life. How does one go about getting the most manliness out of life? Some call it art, some call it science. Whatever it is, Cardiff has got it down.
Tough questions block the path of those travelling down the road to true manliness. Do I make real conversation or just grunt? Abs or pecs? Do i call it Yolo or the Lash? Should I have this Tequila Sunrise or a Mojito? These are all questions the average man faces. Luckily, the Tab is here to help.
Replace all drinks with either protein shake or beer. There is no need for anything other than gains or banter in life and therefore your drink choice should reflect this. From your bedside, to lectures, to the library, never let your protein shaker leave your hands. It’s a disgrace the Woody won’t fill it up with beer, you roar in the smoking area.
The toilet seat shall always remain up. Tape it up – nail it up if need be – because you’ll never need it down. Do not let something so simple as gravity come between you and your god-given right to a stand up piss.
Never bother saying anything that can’t be followed by the word banter. What’s the point of a group chat otherwise? If your mum wouldn’t disown you if she found out your group chat’s name, then you’re doing it wrong. And never whisper in the ASSL either. Banter is for sharing.
Make sure you find a good hairdresser – can’t be caught without the cheekiest of topknots or the freshest of fades.
Wear them barefoot, wear them with socks. Wear them in the sun, wear them in the rain. Cold cannot hurt a lad. Wear them in the library, the lecture hall, and the pub. No dangerously hungover trip to Cafe 37 is complete without these bad boys. Spice it up a notch with adidas sliders if you wish, but be sure to always let your feet breathe.
In terms of cooking, all you need is to know how to oven cook chicken without seasoning. Dig deep into those Lidl fridges and fill your basket with succulent chicken. Just chicken. Gains.
NEVER EVER MISS THE LASH – something to be tattooed on your bicep, I feel, but I’ll leave that one to you. Wednesday night is the only time it’s ok not to drink from a protein shaker, but only as long as your new receptacle is bright orange, has a straw coming out of it, and is emblazoned with the magical letters ‘VK’.
Get that Taly gym membership, and go at least once a month. Take selfies, and think about doing a sit up. If you really must work out, don’t even think about going near your legs. Just make sure you’re seen strutting along Sengennydd Road in your shorts. Gains.
If you aren’t part of a sports club at uni what are you doing with your life? I mean, what’s going to help you in life more: lectures and coursework or drinking a pint through a sock? Yes, you’re in the fifths, but that’s ok. You’re only doing it for the social.
Speaking of sports, wear your sports stash all the time. How else are people going to know you play sports?
So there you have it, that’s how to be a man at uni. It’s only a suggestion of course, but I strongly suggest you follow these rules to gain the extra man points.