Penny and Phil: Valentine’s
Improve your sex life…?
It’s Valentine’s! And along that theme, here’s two raunchy young things – Penny Tration (female, hetero, horny) and Phil Myass (male, bi, horny) – who’ve had a whip-round for equally raunchy questions for your reading pleasure.
Smoothest foreplay move?
Phil: Game of Thrones. Honestly, it’s a mental thing; People expect there to be some sort of button, like "lick here to turn me on", it’s not that at all. It’s absolutely identical to the advice that’s always given as to how to turn girls on; If I’m relaxed, and chilled, and as unstressed as you can be in Cambridge, then I’ll get turned on by your licking me anywhere. If you want to get me in bed, write one of my essays. Or watch Game of Thrones with me.
Penny: Game of Thrones gets you in the mood.
Phil: It calms me down, and clears my head enough to focus on the sex.
Penny: How does it clear your head? It’s so complicated, I can barely follow it with the in-episode guide turned on. The smoothest foreplay move to me would have to be a tuxedoed man playing a grand piano, whilst holding a puppy and watching me eat all the chocolate I want. Classy yet sensitive.
Most exciting place to shag in Cambridge?
Penny: It’s gotta be bridges/the Cam. If someone told me they’d had sex on a punt, I’d be very impressed.
Phil: C*nt on a punt.
Penny: Whether or not it’d be enjoyable is another thing, but it’d definitely be exciting. If that’s a bit too out there for you though, I’d go with roofs – people love a good college roof.
Phil: I think King’s Parade. If you’re an exhibitionist – it has to be a do-it-for-the-photo experience – just in front of the one King’s porter who keeps shunning everyone away. Or with the King’s porter. I don’t have my Camcard, spank me.
Penny: Do it for the gram. Ooh, "how much for college entry?"
Phil: Three pounds. Not the monetary kind.
Ways to make Valentine’s day sex special?
Penny: I’d definitely recommend some fancy underwear; it’d make me feel better and hopefully my partner too. But I think you’d really want to do something that’s not just sex to be honest.
Phil: Yeah, foreplay doesn’t just start when you start kissing and kick the door closed. Definitely dress up, wear a tux or some lovely lingerie, dedicate as much time as you can to the romance. That said, finding time in Cam is a pain in the ass, so maybe distract with a different pain in the ass.
Penny: I think that planning might be key. Putting effort in – it’s so much more smooth if you can just whip out a bottle of wine, or some sexy massage oil. Or lube.
Ideal length of sex?
Penny: I think it depends – sometimes I just want to run to a corridor and have someone do me, sometimes I’d rather take things slower. If I didn’t have to think about work….why stop? Although there is usually a physical stopping point. An hour, hour and a half is pretty good. But also, no-one should ever feel inadequate about this – if it’s less or more, as long as you enjoy it that’s perfect.
Phil: But also, like, you have the sex drive of a sexed-up rabbit. You’re wearing nipple clamps as we have this conversation. Let the record show that Penny is currently wearing nipple clamps.
Is masturbation a sin?
Penny: People tend to worry less about sex than they worry about masturbation. I think sometimes it seems more sordid if you haven’t got someone there to legitimise what you’re doing. Did you ever hear the myth they used to tell young girls, "every time you touch yourself a fairy dies?" Crazy.
Phil: On the theme of this question, let’s make the next week Lib Dem themed. "Places you’d most like to be bareback fucked by Tim Farron".
Weirdest erogenous zones?
Penny: On guys, I would say the part just above the armpit. On me, I would say the 'K-spot' – it’s just above the crack of your ass, that tiny triangle between the top of the cheeks. It took me ages to realise it was actually a thing, but it is very, very sensitive.
Phil: I’m going to go for quite a generic one – feet. In that I’m not attracted to them at all, not turned on by them – I’ve watched foot fetish porn to see if it was actually a thing for me – but they feel really sensitive. Having your toes sucked feels fantastic, I think that’s something that not enough people do. Anywhere that’s not usually touched – it’s a similar thing for rimming. That said, kiss me literally anywhere and I’ll love it.
Most suspicious vegetable to buy from Mainsbury's?
Penny: I think cucumbers are quite suspicious.
Phil: They’re more of a realistic possibility.
Penny: But the one I always feel embarrassed buying is aubergines. Or courgettes. Pineapples too. I think the answer is just don’t buy vegetables.
Phil: Fuck vegetables.
Penny: No, that’s what you’re NOT meant to do. This feels like a PSA for an all-meat diet.
Phil: Go on Atkins. I had a friend of mine once record herself sucking a banana. And that was beautiful, and it was really turning me on, really getting me hard, and I was genuinely ready to loop the vid and get off, but after twenty seconds she just bites off the tip of the banana. Erection gone.
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