C-into the future

The Tab's resident horoscope experts Lauren and Emma consult the stars to map out the course of your day. What's on the cards for you?

Aries (March 21- April 19)

You courageously lead your friends to Jesus Green, Echo Falls Summer Fruits in hand. You have been ambitious and bought an extra bottle of vodka from Sainsbury’s but it probably won’t come to that. Sadly, one of your overly keen friends will end up catching the eye of a Daily Mail journalist who will pap you. Hopefully your DoS and Senior tutor will be forgiving.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You want to make it through the day without throwing up over yourself or starting a fist fight. You are determined to make it to your 9am on Monday. Steer clear from Gemini and Aquarius this weekend – they may ruffle your refined feathers.

Spot the Aquarius…

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Cool and collected, you rock up to Jesus green with orange juice in one hand and straight vodka in the other. Your split personality is conflicted – hide underneath your umbrella hat or actively scout out those Daily Mail paps? Think carefully before you decide.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You know you shouldn’t be here, and yet here you are. A bead of sweat breaks from your forehead as you envision your diligent Natsci friends in the library. You may consider leaving early…will another vodka shot REALLY change your mind?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Rumour has it all of that Tinder swiping you’ve been bragging about to your friends has paid off. You will see that Mathmo from Trinity who sent you a winky face gif sitting 10 metres from your circle. Your overconfident friend is trying to persuade you to go talk to them. Will you?

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You clearly weren’t feeling it today. You toy with the idea of binning the Life ticket you committed to buying last October. You end up going home early, relieved that you won't be tagged in any questionable club photos the next day.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You would rather be in a lab but you have been cajoled into joining in with the C-Sunday antics. You bring your textbooks and a calculator to Jesus Green because you very reasonably assume that you will be able to get some work done. A word of warning – this may not be the case.

Are those flashcards they're carrying?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You bump into your supervisor on your way back from Jesus green. You drunkenly argue that because everything is a construct and that "power is everywhere" (Foucault, 1991), he cannot force you to do something you otherwise would not do. You conclude that you will not be handing in your essay on Monday morning.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

An unexpected turn of events results in you ending up at the Van of Death instead of trusty favourite Gardies. Fear not – this spontaneous diversion may bring about new creative inspiration.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

You are ambitious and seek to make your mark. You want to outdrink everybody else. But remember – slow and steady wins the race.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You’re rocking that denim jacket you picked up at the Union vintage sale for £25. Sadly your friend has control of the bluetooth speaker. You take offence at the Apple Music ‘summer mix’ they have on – can you cut out their bluetooth connection secretly to replace it with your wavey tunes? Are you brave enough?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You spend the day making sure all of your friends are enjoying themselves. A word of caution, remember to focus on yourself. You told yourself you were going to go steady today, is that quick trip to Sainsbury’s for another bottle really worth it?