WEEK TWO NEWS ROUNDUP: Punitive Porters, Affectionate Avians, and Pembroke Food

Week Two, you gave us all the flu, and we’re all feeling quite blue, but here’s all the news that you missed.

Cambridge Cambridge University Formal friendly birds girton katie hopkins not so friendly porters Pembroke pigeons sidney

Come on guys, I wasn’t going to commit to the rhyme, that would require effort.

Punitive Porter

We thought formal was all fun and games? Not according to the new Girton porter, allegedly an ex-policeman who apprehended three members of the Girton JCR after spotting them with a penny strategically placed by their plates. The students were taken out of formal, and may be facing a term-long ban from Formal Hall. Remember, guys, if you somehow, mysteriously end up at Girton formal and you’re going to be pennying, be smarter about how you hide your pennies!

No fun allowed here!

Affectionate Avian

A particularly friendly bird has been delighting students at Sidney all week, even prompting the appearance of bowls with food for it. Does this really qualify as a “news story”? No, but it’s sweet, and in Week Two we need things like friendly pigeons to discourage us from giving up entirely.

Well he’s certainly looking well fed…proximity to Sainsbury’s will do that to you




If you’re feeling a bit lonely, Sidney’s here to provide all the creature comforts you’re looking for.




































Pembroke takes their food to greater heights

Ah Pembroke. Everyone’s second choice, the only central college with no negative stereotype attached. The only thing anyone really knows about Pembroke is that the food is meant to be the stuff of legends. The trend towards culinary college domination continues with an Italian themed formal, attended by Antonio Carluccio himself. (Yes, that Carluccio.) Almost makes up for how long it took for the heating to be switched on.

Hopkins on Clare

Katie Hopkins, a person whose opinions are still being printed and listened to, wrote about the empty consent workshop at Clare for the Mail Online, in an article about Donald Trump’s “locker room talk.” Of course, Hopkins has less journalistic rigor than even The Tab does, and mistakenly thought that the consent workshop was left empty due to a “boycott”, and not simply because of a technical blunder.  Still, always nice to meet a reader, however absentmindedly they’re reading.

A masterclass in sensationalist headline writing.






Tab hate

One of our reporters experienced anti-Tab heckling whilst peacefully working in their room (or perhaps writing Tab articles). Their door was banged on and “Fuck The Tab!” was shouted. A novel way of expressing frustration, but all articles do come with a comment section if you’re looking for a more traditional medium through which to vent.

Stay silly, Cambridge, and remember to send any tips to us at [email protected], or using Tab Tips