LIVEBLOG: Eurovision 2016

The Tab welcomes you to Eurovision 2016, where 25 European nations (and Australia) will battle it out to be crowned the winners of the most ridiculous-yet-amazing song competition in the world. If you’re watching, send us your reactions (in word or picture form) to [email protected].

23:51 After an incredibly tense (seriously, we were NOT prepared for this level of emotional involvement) last two hours, UKRAINE HAVE WON via the people’s vote and therefore the entire competition. Congratulations!!!!

TAB #3 BNOC Oliver Mosley says “This is a clear vote for Brexit and an endorsement by the British people for an end to the autocratic European hegemony. BRITAIN WILL BE FREE ONCE MORE.”

As someone who spent the last hour losing my voice screaming for Australia, I feel like I should emphasise that we won the vote from all the other competitors. This is the end of the liveblog folks, but stay tuned for a summary article to be published in the near future.

22:13 Results will apparently be announced at 10:30pm. We’ll be here. Our money is on Australia. Not because we (I) am biased. At all.

22:12 “ACTUAL JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE” coming up now. We were worried it was a fake. Phew.

22:11 There are no lengths people won’t go to to watch Eurovision. Home-made projector here.

21:59 Scandi Soc have a very enthusiastic viewing party.

21:45 Malta WHY. Just why.

And with that, your livebloggers are taking a brief break – watching endless sequins is surprisingly draining. Back with the results and highlights.

21:21 Croatia literally hugging trees

21:19 Tab #3 BNOC: “Weird women and Justin Bieber lookalikes are Eurovision”

21:16 It’s like Spice Girls meets Fifty Shades of Grey. Lots of leather and cages.

21:11 Adam Crafton of the Mail Online has tweeted something. Keep the reactions coming. I’m being rendered slowly speechless by this. It’s amazing.

21:09 This is death metal Cypriot-style. It’s indescribable but we’ll do our best. Cyprus are performing in cages. There has to be a political statement here somewhere.

21:04 SO MANY SPARKLES. We love it. She’s actually quite good – especially for an Australian. There are now futuristic virtual images in front of her.

21:03 Next is Australia. Confession – this is Shani blogging right now and I am completely biased towards Australia (#homeland). Also very confused as to why we’re in this. Is there no Oceaniavision?

21:02 Livebloggers have just got told “I fear for your sanity and priorities.” Fair.

21:01 He was singing “What Colour is Your Life” #deepquestions #philosopherwanted

21:00 I was wrong. There is comment. “He’s amazing. He’s everything you could ever want from a pimp.”

20:57 Presented without comment. We don’t think we can add anything to this.

20: 56 There are cheers of BREXIT BREXIT in the bar as France finishes. We’d judge his music but it wasn’t music. His beard on the other hand…no. Just no.

20:54 France is singing in English. #DownWithFrancophonie.

20:53 Germany was represented by a girl whose costume is either going for Tinkerbell or for the worst third birthday cake in history. Either way, it’s not working.

A representative photo.

20:50 And now it’s Germany. We’ve never seen so many bows as were in the preview. From our audience member “This is incredible. It’s like if Alice in Wonderland took something and woke up in a German orgy.”

20:48 An anonymous observer says “So the entire point of this competition is to make a better case for Brexit than slow moving tourists ever could, right?”

20.47 Sweden can’t be heard or understood. This guy needs lessons in how to use a mic. He’s singing “If I were a song” and everyone’s thinking “If only you could sing”.

20:46 Bulgaria has won over this audience with some excellent beat drops. There’s applause in the Union bar (rare in itself). This photo does not capture the GLOW IN THE DARK COSTUME. How do I get one?

20.40 We’ve got an audience reaction:  “Watching Hungary is the most convincing reason I’ve heard so far for Brexit” (Jack Bell). Keep ’em coming please.

20.38 The Israeli entry is singing “I am your friend” while a random circle with two people embracing each other inside is now spinning wildly on stage. Again, no one knows why. AND THERE’S FIRE RAINING DOWN ON HIM. This is everything I was promised with Eurovision and more.

20:36 Props to the Italians for singing in their own language on a stage that looked like it was impersonating the idyllic Italian countryside. The Israeli entry is currently posing seductively with a bowling ball. No one has any idea why.

20:33 To catch up on the last ten minutes of ridiculousness (we’re sorry, we were watching in amazement) –

20:25 She’s now started glowing purple. We’ll keep you updated on further developments. There’s a man riding and caressing a horse. You can’t make this up.

20:17 Belgium’s songstress has concluded now. The repetitions of “this is fiction”were slightly too real at this point in the term.

Esteemed Editor Spence wasn’t a fan “DEFINITELY not Belgium”.

The Czech Republic (soon to be called Czechia?) are next with “I Stand” – a true power ballad sung by a woman wearing a dress in keeping with last week’s Met Gala.

20:08 It’s begun with a 19-year-old singing “What the pressure” from Belgium – an apt metaphor for exam term. There’s a very retro set design to go with a funky song. She’s also wearing full silver sequins. We like the menswear as womenswear trend #girlpower

20:04 It’s started with a fashion show of some very phallic outfits. Someone in the Union bar shouts “look at all the colours!” It’s truly begun now.

20:00 Before we start, here’s an update for Eurovirgins:

• Russia is the favourite to win what is, ironically, the gayest competition in the world.
• Australia has the second-best odds, followed by Ukraine, France and Sweden
• The odds on the UK winning are 80 to 1. Last year we came 15th
• Sweden won the competition last year