Dear Cambridge: Don’t leave the NUS, it’s a magnificent institution

There is a spectre haunting Cambridge. The spectre of not being in the National Union of Students anymore.

As you might have heard, following the – let’s face it – fairly dodgy remarks of the up-and-coming President, many in Cambridge have risen up in outrage, demanding disaffiliation.

the gr8 appear gr8 bcoz we are on our knees

As valiant as their cause might be, it pains me that, buoyed along in their typhoon of righteous activism, Cambridge’s leading careerists Defenders of Justice have forgotten all the great things the NUS has done for us over the years, and how different our lives would be if we disaffiliated.

Thing 1: When they motioned to stand in solidarity with the Irish Anti-Water Charge Movement

Irish Anti-Water charges are, rightfully, an issue which every single student in the UK ought to care about. The sterling – and may I say deeply brave – work of the NUS almost certainly turned the tide of the civil war between the virtuous anti-water-chargers and their bitter enemies, the evil Water Chargers. They still sing songs about how important our solidarity was.

Dramatic representation

Thing 2: When they handed out a Magical Card that allows you to cheat capitalism

If we were to really turn our back on the NUS we would be letting go of an institution which at once describes capitalism as “hyperexploitation” while at the same time offering you 40% off at Pizza Express. Viva la Revolution.

This guy died for your 5% Amazon discount

Thing 3: When they successfully campaigned against the removal of maintenance grants.

Remember that time the nasty Tories wanted to scrap our maintenance grants and were only stopped by the valiant and highly efficient campaigning of the NUS, who banded with the glorious martyr of the Revolution, Nick Clegg (whose body may have died but whose soul will live to inspire generations to come) in defense of Peace, Love, Understanding and not finishing our degrees in unassailable amounts of debt? I sure do.

I believe with Nick

Imagine how much worse it would have been if the NUS hadn’t thrown up the barriers and mobilised the mass student body against legislation so flagrantly in opposition to its interests (and for those of you who claim student loans are progressive I ask how much of yours has been paid off by your parents, and throw some shade while I do so).

Were it not for the intensely publicised campaigns they organised in campuses around the country, we sure would be in a worse situation than we are now.

Thing 4: They Put Monstrous LGBT Rights Campaigners their place

I for one will applaud how our Student Union saw right through the facade of a man who once got beaten up by Neo-Nazis for defending Moscow’s Gay Pride Parade, rightly attributing Mr. Tatchell’s signing an open letter in defence of Free Speech to a malevolent desire to take a shit over every single trans student ever.

You can see it in his eyes

If it weren’t for their astute decision, he’d probably be standing on platforms in University Campuses across the country, waving his cisness around in little circles and telling us all about his boring life.

Thing 5: Committed themselves to Ending the Fascist regime of clapping on campus

While other organisations may have used their precious time making decisions that “actually achieve something beyond the narrow confines of their institutional structure”, the NUS has been revolutionary in spending entire days turning itself into a sad parody of musical theatre; but a sad parody of musical theatre in which all students feel safe. Except maybe the Jewish ones.
So Cambridge, as you can see, leaving the great Nation Union of Students would not only have a vast impact on your life as a student, it would be running away from a bastion of radical solidarity that has firmly and effectively protected you for decades.