How to escape friends you accidentally made during Freshers
It must have been love, but it’s over now…and they need to go.
You had a moment of madness due to the shock of being somewhere new and you got chatting to someone a bit odd. One week down the line and they’re always there no matter where you look, creepily gazing in to your eyes and begging on their knees for your love. Don’t worry, we’ve all been there.
It’s important to remember that it is not because they are a horrid person, more that every time you have to endure their company you either have to force yourself to stay awake, or resist the urge to scream in frustration. If anything, it’s more that you are being an intolerant bitch.
As a result, try to avoid being deliberately evil because that will completely mess up your karma, which could leave you receiving bad grades next summer or getting seriously injured in a freak accident.
You have probably discovered that the most annoying thing they do is knock incessantly on your door and always find a way into your room. It’s as though you’re Bella in Twilight and they’re Edward, only not a sexy glowing vampire with special powers. My first tip would be to sit in TOTAL darkness in your room whenever you are there for the next week, using only your phone torch as a navigational tool. If they knock, they will quickly assume you are out.
Equally, it is essential that your phone is permanently on silent because they will doubtless attempt to contact you after failing to infiltrate your room. This approach also requires you to keep movement to a minimum otherwise you’ll give the game away. To be extra safe, ensure that you hide in you wardrobe in case they manage to break into your room and suss out what you’ve been up to.
Even if you manage to banish them from your room, this only removes them from your presence at certain times of the day. Next, you have to obliterate your digital footprint. To delete them on facebook is too obvious, but gradually change the privileges on posts or photos so that they cannot see it. Appear offline and avoid the temptation to open any messages, or else they receive the dreaded “seen at 16:08” and they know you’re ignoring them. If you cannot handle this pressure, delete the chat apps from your phone until the traffic dies down.
If times get desperate, however, it’s best for everyone that you break your phone, or at least the screen. Drop it on a hard surface from a great height. With your phone off limits for a few weeks, you’ll be blessed with the excuse of having a broken phone that inhibits your ability to communicate with this unwanted friend, which will give you peace of mind for a while.
Alas, you cannot hide from them forever and you’re a Cambridge student, you’ve got lectures and supervisions to attend as well as trips to the library to carry out. Plus, if they’re in your college, the chances are that you’ll cross paths at the bar, eat together in the Buttery or meet each other when checking the plodge.
You’re going to have to seriously go incognito to evade them. One tactic is to recruit someone you definitely trust who is around you a lot to enter every room before you and check it’s safe. You must always bring some form of disguise or scout out a hiding place so that if the unwanted acquaintance enters then you can promptly camoflague yourself.
Unfortunately, this method could leave you permanently in fear of being discovered. One alternative is to turn the situation on its head and hire a stalker, ideally someone in college in desperate need of some extra cash, to follow them around every day. This way, you will always know their movements and never have to see them.
Even after all this it is possible that they will remain dedicated to you. Only then are you allowed to stretch the boundaries of morality. Maybe try to alter your appearance. Dye your hair and learn to contour your face with make up so that you essentially become unrecognisable.
If the crafty stalker still knows it’s you, it’s time to ask your tutor if you can change course and college and flee before they realise. If this fails, you have just two choices left and desperate times call for desperate measures. Either disappear for a week and return telling everyone you have amnesia, so that when they try to talk to you, you must glare at them in your bewildered state. Or, contact one of the spies recruiting Cambridge students and get them to change your identity completely.
We’ve all heard people say how you can choose your friends. Let’s be honest, we all make bad decisions too but now we don’t have to live with them.