Introducing: the Tab’s new agony uncle

Do you have a Cambridge problem? Are you too tall for the beds they provide in college? Are you struggling to contain your feelings for an attractive porter?

Before you start googling the practicalities of a transfer to York, take a second out. Breathe. Maybe eat a biscuit. Then file off an email to the Tab’s new agony uncle.

There are very few problems that cannot be solved with a few kindly words from a rapping education and English literature student.

Here to help

Dear Niyi,

I am about to start my second year of an Engineering degree, but last week I made a discovery which could blow my family apart. At the start of summer, my mum became interested in this jiggly dance craze called ‘Zumba’, and within a month seemed to undergo a complete personality transplant. She started offering me lifts, wearing eyeshadow, and her general mood was one of giggly contentedness.

Naturally, I smelt a rat, but my father didn’t notice. A few days ago, I followed her on the way to one of her “Zumba classes”, and it appears to be held in someone’s flat. There were also no other visible class members.

Obviously I should confront her, or at least warn my father – but to what end? She seems happier and he is oblivious! Also, I am moving back to uni this weekend so maybe I should just let this shitstorm unfold by itself? What do you think?

• Child of a broken home

Zumba is a fun and feisty way to combat middle aged spread

Dear ‘child of a broken home’

I do completely understand that engineering can be as dull as dishwater. I also completely understand that you guys don’t really get out all that much. I am also 100% aware that you find it hard understanding relationships, friendships, and generally anything that isn’t on a squared sheet of A4.

But child, please sit down. You have created, and are now worrying about a scenario that doesn’t actually necessarily exist. Basically, in a nutshell, your mother was showing signs of happiness- so you decided to follow her? What an odd, odd person. Your name is not Peter, and you are not part of The Secret Seven. You are a second year Engineering student, and this is real life. There could be a whole myriad of reasons your mother went into that house- perhaps she popped in to see a friend on the way to her Zumba class because she was scared SOMEONE WAS FOLLOWING HER.

Why you would want to bring this self-created drama into your life is completely beyond me – but then again, I’m not an engineer. Please let your poor mother be – both her and your father will be a hell of a lot happier for it.

Dear Niyi,

I am a 19 year old girl about to start an English degree at one of the smaller colleges. I have spent the past year working in a bar in London. The wonderful thing about living in London is that you never see the same person two nights in a row. Whilst being here, I’ve managed to build up a Tinder empire, and to be frank, I’ve gotten used to a certain lifestyle.

I am worried that moving to a tight-knit, college community and losing my anonymity is going to change this lifestyle significantly. How can I maintain my incredibly modern and exciting sex life in such an insular place?
thanks in advance,
– Bar wench

Cambridge bars are not like this

Dear Bar Wench,

I don’t really understand what you are asking me here. Are you asking me for permission to be a slut at university? Dear, everyone is a slut at university. If that is not what you are asking, and you are worried about sleeping with the same person twice, then just try it. It’s kinda fun. You might be surrendering your anonymity, but you can gain so much more.

Sleeping with the same person repeatedly definitely peaks at some point, I’ll give you that. But from the first time you sleep with that person, all the way to that peak, the sex just gets better and better.

Dear Niyi,
I have a massive verucca on my foot, and in the process of trying to remove it I have spread the infection to my hand. My right hand is very warty and infectious.

I am deeply concerned that this going to stop me from making friends, especially in a place where hand-shaking is apparently the norm. Have you any advice for me?
– Shrek

Of course people won’t judge you

Dear Shrek,
You are right. Your diseased hand will indeed stop you making friends. Who in the right mind would want to shake an infected, puss-ridden, five-pronged guaranteed trip to the wart clinic? Not I. But this could actually be advantageous to you. You should never, ever make friends in the first week of university.

You have absolutely no idea who is going to be popular, and who is going to be the one playing table tennis in the JCR. I suggest that you lay low till your benign growth… well… stops growing and spreading (a period of masturbation abstinence will serve you well, unless you own a pair of hairdressing gloves/cycling gloves/etc).

Once you are normal again, I think it will be quite obvious who the cool kids are, and you should pursue them as a matter of urgency. Perhaps offer to shake their hand, whilst telling them you have just started masturbating again.

You are welcome.

If you have any worries concerning life, death, or the universe and everything therein, drop an email to [email protected] or contact him at twitter.com/niyiftw