Why Cambridge has the best nightlife

Over the next few weeks as your friends go off to uni your newsfeed will slowly fill up with pictures of them apparently having a much better time than you.


You’ll start to envy your friend surrounded by the new, exciting looking people in that club photo in Bristol; you’ll be jealous of that mate bragging about all the cool new drugs he’s taking in Manchester; you might even start to believe the people saying that they wanted to go to Durham all along because, unlike you, they’re actually at uni, rather than sitting at home repeatedly scrolling through the same posts on Facebook.

All this will be made much worse by people repeatedly telling you that Cambridge has the worst nightlife in the country, pathetically crammed into a four day Fresher’s Week. But that’s a load of crap.

Don’t believe the haters, Cambridge has the BEST nightlife, and here’s why:

1) Everything is really close – So what your friend is going to the best clubs in Sheffield? He’s also going to be spending a couple extra hundred pounds a year on taxis while you drunkenly saunter the ten minutes from pre drinks to the club (unless you go to Homerton/Girton. Sorry guys, don’t have any words of comfort for you…) Bouncer thought you were too drunk to get in to Fez? No worries; literally just cross the road and have a go at the less discerning Life.

Doing it right.

Doing it right.

2) Cambridge clubbing is a unique experience – Cambridge is one of the few places where you can eat dinner and get drunk in a 500 year old hall, then dance to the Lion King soundtrack in a club with people in a mix of normal clothes, onesies and black tie. I won’t pretend that it’s cool or that it isn’t weird, but it is kinda fun.

3) Make better friends and (once you’ve made them) don’t lose them– Not having loads of edgy bars to choose from means you spend a lot of time in your college bar, so pretty soon you recognise most people in college. The shitness of the clubs mean you spend more time drunkenly meeting people in the smoking area. And while the microscopic size of the clubs may seem a bit crap compared to a warehouse rave in Nottingham, it does mean that you physically can’t lose them, sparing you the fate of being that guy stumbling around all night trying to find your mates.

It's not easy to lose your pals here.

It’s not easy to lose your pals here.

4) Lots of big names come through Cambridge – We may not have the Warehouse Project but big acts play at Cambridge’s Junction and at Fez Turf nights on their way to London. For instance, you can see Wilkinson in Cambridge this October. The smaller, more intimate venues can actually make for way better nights anyway.

5) Fewer big nights make them better – Only having these events a couple of times a month make them more fun. You might be jealous of that ‘legend’ from your sixth form who does a gram of mandy every weekend at first, but will quickly realise that that gets pretty samey/expensive very quickly.

6) It’s (relatively) safe – Looking back your mate’s story about his friend getting beaten up for his chips is a bit funny, but not really how you want to end a night out. You almost never get fights on nights out. I only know one guy who’s got a black eye from clubbing, and to be fair it was because he was grinding on a complete stranger whilst wearing a mini skirt.

7) Swaps – Not for everyone, swaps involve getting a group of random people of the opposite gender that you haven’t met before, and hiring out a room in a restaurant that would struggle to get half a star on the hygiene chart. You then proceed to drink a bottle of the cheapest wine you can find that doesn’t blind you and shout out horrifically embarrassing/awkward stories about your friends. It’s not that bad, honest.

Swap Heaven, The Mahal (circa 2012) RIP

Bad Curry + Bad Wine + Public Embarrassment = All the Funs

8) Danger spoons – Cambridge has the largest Wetherspoons in the country. Every Friday and Saturday it becomes one of Cambridge’s biggest clubs. The ‘danger’ comes from the fact that you may actually interact with townies there. Apparently it’s quite fun.

SPOONS

Beware, townies inside!

9) May Balls/May Week- No matter how good any club or party is at another uni, nothing compares to May Week. It will be one of the best and, simultaneously, most debauched experiences of your life. The weeks spent living in the library all seem completely worth it for a week of back-to-back garden parties, May Balls and drunk punting. You’ve probably heard the rumour that John’s ball is supposed to be the 7th best party in the world, but wherever you go, your first May Ball will probably be one of the best nights of your life.

So stop moping about how shite Cambridge is. Ok, it is a bit lame but that doesn’t stop it from being incredibly fun.  Cambridge might not have huge warehouse raves or endless clubs to choose from but our nightlife is quirkier, more intimate and, ultimately, better.