The Cambridge Tab’s Guide to Drugs

Drugs. Mmmm don’t we love drugs? Drugs drugs drugs. If The Tab’s very own guide to drugs is anything to go by, students are the ultimate experts on drugs. Drugs. […]

Alcohol Caffeine Cambridge coffee drug Drugs energy drink Guide Life paracetamol Student Tab

Drugs. Mmmm don’t we love drugs? Drugs drugs drugs. If The Tab’s very own guide to drugs is anything to go by, students are the ultimate experts on drugs. Drugs.

And Cambridge is like, top of its game. Ergo, as students at Cambridge, we’re like the expert’s experts or something. We really know what we’re talking about.

Drugs.

He's got his priorities straight

He’s got his priorities straight

Drug The First: Caffeine

The Caffeine scene is huge in Cambridge. Everyone’s off their tits on it, all the time. It’s mad. It’s what keeps the city going. We take it to get through essays, lectures – shit, our tutors even offer it to us during seminars. Crazy huh? Without Caffeine, we probably wouldn’t get up in the morning.

It’s pretty easy to get hold of – most of the shops and cafés on the high street will sell it to you if you ask right. It’s fucking Amsterdam over here.

There are loads of different types of it, and loads of different ways to take it. I’ll talk through the most popular:

Coffee:

Probably the most widespread, it offers a quick, hard fix that’ll get out those extra 1000 words at 2am. Beware though: the crash can be pretty severe; and overdosing can lead to excessive shaking, hyperactivity or worse, irritable bowels.

Craaazzzyyy

Craaazzzyyy

Tea:

Far more relaxed, ‘Tea’ will keep you going for hours. However, its far more addictive. Loads of people take ‘herbal’ tea without any caffeine, just out of habit! Mental.

Energy drinks:

Colder, cooler and more refreshing than the two above, drinking an energy drink is a big ‘fuck you’ to the Heated Beverage community. Can be combined with Alcohol (2) if you’re feeling super dangerous: the combo can keep you going all night, but can lead to cardiovascular problems in later life. So watch it. You want to enjoy the Spanish Riviera you’re going to retire to to its fullest extent, right?

Warning: This may or not result in a significant decline in productivity levels

Withdrawal symptoms

Drug Number 2: Alcohol

Easily the second most popular drug in Cambridge. When we do alcohol, we do it hard. Sometimes we drink a whole bottle of wine, or 1/8 of a bottle of gin or, get this, ‘jäger’, and don’t even go to bed afterwards. We go out. Clubbing. Yeah.

Because ALCOHOL

Because ALCOHOL

Alcohol’s amazing: it opens doors to a whole other you. You’ll find yourself not caring about maths or Aristotle, or the fact you can’t dance, or even that the person you’re talking to is of the opposite sex and therefore terrifying. It’s so good even Jesus was keen, and he was a pretty big deal.

However, watch out: alcohol can be a gateway drug to…

Drug 3.0: Nicotine

A Health and Safety nightmare: you are literally holding a flame 2 inches from your face and inhaling tar. Also, the smoking areas are populated by ‘normal’ people who you have to have a ‘conversation’ with. Eurgh. Just think of the Spanish Riviera and stay well away.

Drug IV: MDMA

Ha.
Yeah.
Sure.

Drug Mark 5: Paracetamol:

These little pills will literally take all the pain away. They’re perfect for dealing with the post-alcohol crash, which we in the know call a ‘hangover’. Highs can last as long as 4 hours. Can be taken in conjunction with Ibuprofen for the hardcore among you.

Mix them if you're feeling particularly out of control

Mix them if you’re feeling particularly out of control

Drug 6: Sex

Probably the hardest one to get hold of, even though it’s in high demand. Many users rely on a regular, trusted dealer, but some prefer to try several different strains.

A very mixed bag: sometimes the high will stay with you for days to come, sometimes you’ll finish and seriously question your life choices. Also, watch out: sharing needles can lead to the spread of disease.

The Seventh Drug: Learning

And of course, the sweetest drug of them all. I prefer to take it anally.