Preview: Tate Cambridge

This weekend, I paid a visit to the latest art gallery to review it for The Tab. I sat down with the Director, Bookie, in the art gallery’s café. I decided to start with the most pressing question.

So are you affiliated with Tate?

‘We’re brought to you by parody, not Tate’, Bookie nervously replied.

Like it says…

‘Oh’ I said.

There was a pause.

To break the awkward silence, she went to take a sip from her drink. Instead of her latte, she picked up a bucket of brown paint and drank from that by accident.

What is art?

At this question, Bookie gave me a withering look, and asked me what paper I came from again. Luckily a performance artist came by at this point to break up the tension. The performer locked me in an intense kiss of greeting and began breathing into my mouth. After several minutes like this, we have breathed so much CO₂ that we passed out and collapsed onto the floor.

Actually quite menacing, in an artistic way

Bookie quickly apologised and said she didn’t know who that woman was and she certainly wasn’t affiliated with the gallery.

‘I think she’s with the life model I saw earlier, you know, that naked guy people were drawing?’ I (art) supplied.

Bookie went pale. Or as Dulux call it, ‘Napoleon Cream’.

She quickly called over the head of security, Jan Craw, and explained there was another streaker in the gallery.

What makes your gallery special?

We have many special features. There are colour experiments, audio headsets available-

Damien Hirst?

Er..no- we go behind the scenes with some artists, such as a young man named Mischa

I stopped paying attention several seconds into the video she was playing and just jumped to the next question.

Is this a theatre show, or an art gallery?

The gift store is over there.

Right she was, and I quickly purchased a postcard and pencil before leaving. I got a postcard of ‘The Kiss’ by Gustav Klimt, to prove I’m cultured. They don’t actually have ‘The Kiss’ at Tate Cambridge, but now that I have a postcard, I don’t ever have to see it in person. I also purchased a generic pencil.

Watch out for this one

I left certainly more confused about what the hell Tate Cambridge is about, not knowing much about art, but happy that I had achieved my purchases.

Tate Cambridge is running 4^th-6^th March at 6.30pm, and at 8pm. Tickets are a suggested donation of £5, a portion may be pre-booked at: http://www.adcticketing.com/whats-on/comedy/tate-cambridge.aspx

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