Tabony Aunt: Valentine’s Day edition

THE TAB hears all of your relationship woes and gives helpful advice

agony aunt Cambridge Cambridge University Drinking love Tab valentine's day

Dear Tabatha,

My girlfriend of the past six months keeps insisting that Valentine’s Day should be renamed ‘consumerism day’ and that I am not to buy her anything or stray away from the usual in any way.

I’m just a little bit worried this might all be some kind of ghastly relationship test, just like her saying she wouldn’t mind if I used her toothbrush the other day. Am I really allowed to sit back and crack my toes or should I be reserving a table for two and buying up the florists?????

Help pls.

Joe

Dearest Joe,

I’m sorry to say that whatever you do will be wrong; females are stubborn, bovine and complicated creatures.

Our artist's impression of a so-called 'woman'

Our artist’s impression of a so-called ‘woman’

I would do something though. My advice….. be original and celebrate your own ‘Valentines day’ on the notorious Friday the 13th? Be creative; order a Nando’s, make cocktails, go skinny dipping, climb a tree or just do something that is a bit whacky and not lovey-dovey!

Don’t roll up in Tuxs, get the flowers, chocolates or serenade her; don’t even mention the ‘v’ word (Second thoughts, get the chocolate – if she doesn’t want it, send it to me!) That way you are not buying into the bunnies and balloons but still doing enough to get an easy ‘1st’, and real boyfriend points for that matter.

Don't try too hard

Trying hard is so gross

Love and kisses,

Aunt Tabatha x

Dear Tabitha

I’m not a bad person. Honestly I’m not. But this has been building up inside of me for so long, I’m not sure I can resist.

I want to switch to Engineering. Really really badly. I mean History’s interesting and all, and we’ve had some good times – we’ve been together for a year and a half for fuck’s sake – but it’s just not sexy anymore. Engineering’s got it all: maths, lego, dismantling cars. It’s just so practical.

Oh and Sedgwick Campus is shit.

Tab: speaking hard truths since 2005

Tab: speaking hard truths since 2005

Yours

A Sensitive Scholar

Dear Sensitive Scholar,

Honestly I’d just go for it. Life is simply too short to mess around doing something you are not happy with and if Anglo Saxons and Vikings don’t turn you on, just go and be Bob the Builder and get jiggy with a digger. Ditch the essays and don the drawings.

Just make sure that you do like Engineering before you commit though, and not just the swanky fast cars and fit girls on the front cover. Do you actually know what engineering is? You don’t want to have another ‘mid-uni crisis’ and crave the cream of Modern Languages in another year’s time.

Not much better than the Seeley, I'm afraid

Not much better than the Seeley, I’m afraid

Aunt Tabatha xxx

Dear Tabony Aunt

I lost my virginity to my college dad and I just can’t forgive myself. I feel twisted and can no longer be around him without twitching. I have kept it a deadly secret. Please help.

Julia

Dear Julia,

To start with, you have committed the sin, the unspeakable act. However, to be honest, a crime is not a crime until someone’s done it so you are most definitely not alone.

You have to question whether you feel twisted because you have succumbed to the lure of the deed or whether there is some underlying confused Electra complex going on?

"Soggy Chips" - clearly a reference to penis

Go on…

Do you have meaningful, deep and erotic feelings for Daddy or did you just do it for the hell of it to upset the natural order of things? Likewise, did he just like the thrill of the controversy to build his rep, or was he really into you?

Either way it’s probably worth speaking to Dad about it and if you get sent to your room (or his) and things go even further, so be it. Life is pretty messed up as it is anyway! Whatever happens though it’s probably worth filing for adoption or at least staying with your Grandparents for a bit.

Love and hugs,

Aunt Tabatha