3084, year of the TOSH

Charlie Dowell: Week 3

acronym charlie dowell CUSU satire

The clock struck 13 in the ancient offices of CUSU.

It was the 1050th annual free speech conference, chaired by the president Hayley Howlingwolf–McTussock. The topic of discussion on this prestigious day was the pressing issue of the new alien race now living on Earth.

“Ever since we sent spaceships to Europa and discovered the thriving community of Oxonions, we at CUSU have been left with a problem: where do they fit in our PC-speak? We came up with the revolutionary term of cis-orthodox-genital-sperm-making–old-world-patriarchs or COGSMOWPS to describe white males. We were the progressive founders of the acronym LGBTQWERTYUIOP. However I remain stumped to find a new acronym to fit these beings from space into our inclusive, multiracial, gender equal, polycultural, amorous society. Now what … ”

The old dilapidated offices. That was only in 2015


“Sorry to interrupt Hayley, but I object to the term acronym. If I remember rightly at the last annual meeting we thought TOSH, or Time Ordering Societal Helper, was more appropriate.”

“I apologise Tim for forgetting that revolutionary advance, it’s difficult to remember TOSH sometimes. Anyway, where was I? Er… Yes, new TOSH to describe our Oxonion cousins. Do we have any suggestions to describe discrimination against them? Or people who would like to have sex with them? Or vice versa, I don’t mean to discriminate.”

“Erm sorry to butt in again, but I am pretty sure in the conference of 3080 we decided that a new acronym-”

“TOSH, you mean?”

“Yes TOSH, was required to replace discrimination. I think we decided BANGS, Basic Antagonistic Neo-Generational Segregation, was a far better term.”

“Yes, sorry again. We need new TOSH to describe alien BANGS. Any thoughts?”

“Although I object to the term alien, which we decided to call ARSEs, or able reasonable space entities, last year, I think our new TOSH should be something snappy. Something people can rally around. ARSEs need a voice to fight against BUMS, and a good catchy slogan is exactly what we need”

“Yes. I was thinking precisely the same thing the other day… I mean other TWAT, twenty-four-hour world axis turn. I came up with CAAB, CUSU against ARSE BANGS.”

“Not bad John. It’s got a good ring to it. We should set up a committee and a sub committee with this name! Then, if time permits, a third committee to make sure the first two are doing their jobs properly”

“One problem with this. Even though I think it is great, that you are great and everything we do here is great, do you not think CUSU against ARSE BANGS is a little offensive?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… it’s just… erm well… the word ‘against’ is quite fighty…. We don’t want people to feel threatened by our poster. We are here to create a safe space, that recognises and debates issues safely, but that does not make people feel uncomfortable without also feeling safe. We were born with cotton wool wrapped around us and have been spoon fed ideas our entire lives, the word ‘against’ kind of destroys who we are.”

“Very deep… mmm. I guess a new TOSH, would do… You know… to get rid of that word.”

“How about LOVES, Leading Opposition to Various Ectopic Sayings”

“Yes, a stroke of genius form you Katy! That’s settled: CLAB, CUSU LOVES ARSE BANGS. YES! I’ll go straight to the poster committee and sub committee to get things sorted.”

In a corner of the discussion circle a little green man raised one of his eight hands and opened one of his seven mouths to speak. The whole room goes silent.

“Isn’t it a little homophobic to put up posters that says CUSU LOVES ARSE BANGS? Surely it looks as if we are making fun of members of the LGBT+ community? I may only be an alien, but this is obvious”

“Oh fuck off. You wouldn’t understand green scum! It’s freedom of speech.”