Spoof News Is Good News: Week 3

Look out hipsters, this season’s news comes in DENIM. SUE DENIM.

bums CUSU Godzilla military Nature News puppy reporter spoof sue denim

Latest new: a spoof reporter resorts to puns to get a larger readership. Preliminary research suggests everyone laughed. Including you. More on this as the story progresses.

University News

Cambridge ‘best university in the world’, reports American military

Enlightened Trinity on track to divert all suspicious investments into puppy and rainbow fund: “We were shocked to find we were funding the DANGEROUS kind of military drone.”

The lighter side to war

A drone in puppy’s clothing

Technology

Google Glass back on sale to public; nihilistic monotony of day-to-day life augmented into advanced, futuristic monotony; “This is how people will stare aimlessly into the middle distance in 2100.”

CUSU

Thoughts of CUSU referendum’s far-reaching consequences terrify students into inaction

CUSU make CUSU announcement regarding CUSU’s CUSU of CUSU, reports CUSU. CUSU.

Did we mention we're CUSU

Did we mention: We’re CUSU

Culture

Gary Barlow reassures fans: “I fully believed at the time it was an honest, morally upright tax-emption scheme from which I would profit greatly, at the expense of taxpayer’s public services.”

Hollywood praised for casting actors with larger figures in latest blockbusters: “We must take responsibility for the kind of body images we bring across. Godzilla is just one drop in a large, prejudiced ocean.”

ADC middlemen raise ticket prices by £1; Occupy movement diverted to Park Street

Stress eating reaches a new high

Stress eating reaches a new high

Academia

Dark and mysterious young man refuses to reveal his sources, latest Examiners’ Report muses

English student’s dedicated studies reveal existence of long-forgotten Paper 7 module; friend’s text asks to walk over to exam together

No trace of elusive ‘Anon’ journalist on university database

Nature

Rumoured sightings of that guy you once got with

Sadistic undergraduates gather to deface flesh of murdered plant-life, ancient ritual/bacchanalia to last for three and a half hours

Sexual tension of UL reading room near breaking point; reservation slip handed in as provocatively as possible

Stay tuned for next week, in which reporter SUE DENIM will report on Whoknowswhat. The news can’t get old if it never happened. It will always be news.