Spoof News Is Good News: Week 3
Look out hipsters, this season’s news comes in DENIM. SUE DENIM.
Latest new: a spoof reporter resorts to puns to get a larger readership. Preliminary research suggests everyone laughed. Including you. More on this as the story progresses.
University News
Cambridge ‘best university in the world’, reports American military
Enlightened Trinity on track to divert all suspicious investments into puppy and rainbow fund: “We were shocked to find we were funding the DANGEROUS kind of military drone.”
A drone in puppy’s clothing
Technology
Google Glass back on sale to public; nihilistic monotony of day-to-day life augmented into advanced, futuristic monotony; “This is how people will stare aimlessly into the middle distance in 2100.”
CUSU
Thoughts of CUSU referendum’s far-reaching consequences terrify students into inaction
CUSU make CUSU announcement regarding CUSU’s CUSU of CUSU, reports CUSU. CUSU.
Did we mention: We’re CUSU
Culture
Gary Barlow reassures fans: “I fully believed at the time it was an honest, morally upright tax-emption scheme from which I would profit greatly, at the expense of taxpayer’s public services.”
Hollywood praised for casting actors with larger figures in latest blockbusters: “We must take responsibility for the kind of body images we bring across. Godzilla is just one drop in a large, prejudiced ocean.”
ADC middlemen raise ticket prices by £1; Occupy movement diverted to Park Street
Stress eating reaches a new high
Academia
Dark and mysterious young man refuses to reveal his sources, latest Examiners’ Report muses
English student’s dedicated studies reveal existence of long-forgotten Paper 7 module; friend’s text asks to walk over to exam together
No trace of elusive ‘Anon’ journalist on university database
Nature
Rumoured sightings of that guy you once got with
Sadistic undergraduates gather to deface flesh of murdered plant-life, ancient ritual/bacchanalia to last for three and a half hours
Sexual tension of UL reading room near breaking point; reservation slip handed in as provocatively as possible
Stay tuned for next week, in which reporter SUE DENIM will report on Whoknowswhat. The news can’t get old if it never happened. It will always be news.
‘Maybe try a different course’: Ranking Cambridge University lecturers’ brutal comments
Esther KnowlesNo wonder Cambridge students always look stressed
Quiz: Find out where you’d sit in the Cambridge University college boat club eight
Freya WattsYou go to Cambridge and don’t row? How else do you spend your free time?
Cambridge University college to install climbing wall inside 150 year old church tower
Pembroke has already converted the church on Trumpington Street into an auditorium
Cambridge University to ban use of the term ‘Oxbridge’ due to elitist connotations
Anyone caught using the word will be forced to undertake a mandatory ‘inclusivity training’
St John’s College Cambridge now has control over the SJV choir’s social media
The petition to save the mixed choir is supported by the former archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams
Cambridge University temporarily halts funding from fossil fuel companies
A report found that donations from oil and gas companies posed a ‘high reputational risk’ for the university
Eight cafés to try in Cambridge as a student before you graduate from university
Lucy BarberSpoiler alert: Fitzbillies isn’t the only coffee shop in Cambridge
St John’s College Cambridge mixed choir is being disbanded
The decision means female sopranos will no longer be able to sing in any chapel services
Cambridge University colleges as songs with women’s names in the title
Ellen HawleyGet ready to update your playlist immediately x
Leah Whiting
Cambridge men lose on penalties at the 150th anniversary of Varsity football
Cambridge was forced to substitute its goalkeeper following an injury on the third minute
THE RESULTS: Cambridge vs Oxford women’s football 2024
A short summary of the Varsity match for those of you who know nothing about football
Cambridge’s smallest pub has reopened after four years
Here’s everything you need to know about The Rad, a tiny pub on King Street
Review: Blackadder Goes Forth – Cambridge Does Comic Relief
Sophie PetrieA performance that did justice to the much-loved British comedy
Paint thrown over Cambridge University West site building in protest of its ties to Israel
Cambridge’s Laboratory for Scientific Computing has been under fire for its links to arms companies
A moral alignment ranking of Cambridge college rowing blade designs
Totally objective (based on free speed and vibez)
A definitive ranking of Cambridge stash from ugly to just about wearable
April O'NeillIt’s me and my puffer against the world
Olivia Little
Who are the candidates running for election at the Cambridge Union?
Jessica SpearmanVoting opens Thursday 7th March after the weekly debate
Richard Gadd speaks about how similar Baby Reindeer’s Martha actually is to his real stalker
Phoebe KowhaiShe did actually send him over 41,071 emails and leave 350 hours of voicemails
Student at £43,000 a year private school ‘smashed the skulls’ of two students with hammer
Emily SmithThe 17-year-old also tried to kill a teacher in ‘horrific attack’
Ellie Ring
What have Timothy and Lucinda been up to since their MAFS Australia 2024 homestay fight?
They’re still besties!
Here’s where to watch Richard Gadd next if you’re obsessed with Netflix’s Baby Reindeer
Harrison BrocklehurstHe’s in a police show with Stephen Graham!
Digs at Davide to Lorraine Kelly drama: What Ekin-Su has been up to since Celeb Big Brother
Iona MacRobertShe’s been in the headlines a lot lately
After their tense homestay, are Jack and Tori still together after MAFS Australia 2024?
I need answers immediately
Yikes! A snippet of Taylor Swift’s new album has allegedly leaked and people are SLATING it
‘We declared Charlie Puth should be a bigger artist’ is an actual lyric
Inside the life of Walton Goggins, the Fallout ghoul everyone is weirdly crushing on
Lily ColdstreamYes, it’s possible to thirst after a man who looks like a carved pumpkin
What has Andrea been up to since leaving MAFS Australia 2024 with her head held high?
She’s living her best life
Love Island’s Zach goes on huge rant about girls ‘wearing nothing’ and ‘selling themselves’
‘People really out here selling themselves for some views/likes’
So, here’s the real reason why Martha calls Donny Baby Reindeer
The show is named after the pet name Martha actually called him in real life
Lauren from MAFS Australia has been spotted on a night out getting close to her ex again
There’s picture evidence!!!
Producers forced Tim to bring up cheating scandal again on homestays for more MAFS drama
And edited their homestays to ‘look worse than it actually was’
‘Shameful’: Sydney Sweeney savagely claps back at claims she ‘is not pretty and can’t act’
‘How sad that a woman in the position to share her expertise and experience chooses instead to attack another woman’
OMG! The viral four lads in jeans are back and the jeans got… baggy
It’s been five years since the first picture was posted!
Lizz claims she’s no longer friends with Jack after Tori ‘forbid’ them seeing each other
And apparently even tried to get Lizz fired?!
Definitively ranking all the episodes of Fallout series one from worst to best
Kind of like picking your favourite child
What does the wind emoji Jack sent about his sex life with Tori on MAFS Australia 2024 mean?
I’ve never felt so out of touch