Not in my name

One thing I am extremely proud of during my entire LGBT career, as it were, is that I’ve never attended NUS LGBT ‘conference’.

There’s a good reason for this – and not only because it’s full of ever-so-worthy, utterly dull, accessibility-drenched thought police – although that’s a good enough reason in my book. These people are genuinely calling for ‘safer spaces’ because the current safe space environment is too weak, the very same safe space where you can force someone to apologise for offence caused even if it wasn’t meant. The real reason is far more insidious – these ‘conferences’ quite deliberately conflate LGBT with a whole host of utterly unrelated issues, and hence destroy any of the good that they might otherwise do.

No thanks, I’m quite busy today.

Because to my mind, LGBT people still do face discrimination, and there are a lot of things still to do. Not least, we should be fighting to make equal marriage truly equal for trans* people, and we should continue to challenge the latent homo- and trans- phobia still found on our campuses and in our workplaces. We should be working with organisations that challenge the death penalty for LGBT people worldwide.

But we shouldn’t, under any circumstances, be portraying ourselves as the complete idiots that NUS LGBT does – and Cambridge should be taking a stand against this ludicrous organisation.

Don’t take my word for it – let’s just consider some of the shite they’ve decided to pin on ‘oppressed’ British LGBT people this year. Oh, and before we start, one of the sections of this ‘conference’ is genuinely called ‘Strong and Active’. Actually. It reminds me of the carefully named LGBT night ‘Thrust’ that we had in my first year. You couldn’t make this crap up – unless the whole ‘conference’ is actually made up and it’s all a big horrible dream that we are paying for (oh yes, you are – thanks to our stupid and mandatory status as a cash cow, sorry, subscriber, to the NUS).

Firstly, we’re all ‘radical’ (never has a word been so misused) ‘left-wingers’, who need to ‘develop stronger links with trade unions’. We must fight for and ‘support occupations’ – not least to punish ‘Tony Blair and his Tory colluders’, who have been ‘keeping further education exclusive for the pale, stale heterosexuals and cisgendered ruling class’. Having said that, Boris does get away with it, as he’s a ‘homosexual enhancer’ (whatever the sweet fuck that means). And whilst we’re at it, let’s bin the rozza too – because of course the police are out to get us. ‘Uniformed arms of the state’ should be ‘prevented’ from ‘marching in or attending local pride events’, and ‘a briefing’ should be ‘distributed on the dangers LGBT students face from…police.’

But that’s not enough. Because privatization of the NHS (which hasn’t actually happened) and education reform have both specifically singled out LGBT people for attack. To counter all this UKIP is to be ‘no-platformed’ (nothing like mature debate is there), the SNP are to be ‘censured’ for ‘taking homophobic money’ from a bus company, and various political parties should be ‘shamed’ for not supporting gay marriage.

Middle class gay men, no doubt. Animals.

Some of it is just plain moronic. If you own a garden centre you are up the shitter (pardon the pun) – because ‘taxi firms, building trade, garden centres [and] the military’ are ‘homo-offensive’ (another made up word). Seriously? Garden centres? Those bastard hetero pot-plants, beating up the LGBT pot-plants who can’t EVEN GET HELP because the NHS has been SHUT DOWN.

On their Facebook page someone bemoaned the fact that the NUS LGBT conference is seen as a ‘talking shop’. I bloody wish. It’s far, far more pernicious and dangerous. Because it conflates genuine issues affecting LGBT people with a specific subset of hard-line extremism that just makes people switch off. No wonder people think so many LGBT campaigns are off their rocker – it’s because of this sewage – and we are damaged by association with it.

In the words of these idiots, ‘it’s utterly sickening and must be smashed’ (referring to some fashion models, who should be ‘hunted down like dogs’ – who ‘fleece money off the poor to maintain racism and normalise homophobia’). Yes, something must be smashed – the complete nonsense that organisations like NUS LGBT dribble out must be smashed. And we must stop paying for it, because it’s really, really stupid. It’s not worth the paper it’s written on and it damages students, and in particular LGBT students.

But don’t fear, rabid dog Tab commenters, because NUS LGBT has already busted me and all my ilk – we ARE the enemy, it’s OFFICIAL. Because, and I quote ‘middle class gay men can be problematic in these decisions and spend most of their time pulling or hanging around bars’.

Chance would be a fine thing.