Spoof News Is Good News: Week 2
Non-fictional journalist SUE DENIM reports on the news they don’t want you to know…
SUE DENIM is not a satirical creation and is therefore open to be sued, accused of libel, jailed, or assassinated by the government for offensive or controversial revelations. I mean, please don’t, but they are possible options.
World News, Politics
Putin bans rainbows from ‘insubordinate’ Russian sky: military advances attempt to annex atmosphere
Girton struggling with loss of foreign aid from UK
Vice-Chancellor looks from his window to the west, removes his glasses with a shaking hand and thinks of what might have been
Prayers for living wage still unanswered; University finance deity unfathomable to the likes of men. Next week – The inconsistent Trinity: Is our theology of an all-loving, all-powerful bursar compatible with the problem of evil?
Moment of ‘drunken abandon’ leads Trinity to purchase Wales; Girton to expand accommodation
Dragon unemployment at all time high as Games of Thrones resorts to computer-generated creatures for latest season: “It simply isn’t financially viable anymore. Our animators are already part of the team and it made sense to expand their work, rather than taking on countless new contracts. Also Emilia Clarke really hates animals. We had some tense moments of filming. After the last season I don’t think she’s legally permitted to be within fifty metres of a dragon. Or a child.”
Typo in ‘ADC THEATRE’ finally altered to correctly spell alphabet
Finalist’s consistently tangential dissertation hailed as stream-of-consciousness masterpiece, rivals Joyce
Putting words on paper now a ‘minimum requirement’ for 2:1 in English
University unsure how to proceed with suspicious application to begin studies at Homerton; “Whoever this kid is, he knows something we don’t,” murmers Vice Chancellor
Senior Tutors express dedication to accessibility, allow impoverished students to serve them claret
Local nightclub changes name, gets makeover, determined to learn from mistakes of the past and start new life
Woman ‘swooning’ at pursuer’s ability to back her into a corner
Microsoft creates superintelligent AI, too complex to function with Windows software; “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we may have created the first machines capable of human pretensions.”
Aries: “Today you will meet a tall, dark stranger. Flee him. Leave your family and make it to the border by sundown. Leo will be waiting there for you with a passport and change of clothes.”
Pisces: “You don’t want to know. It’s better if you don’t know.”
Stay tuned for next week, when we find out what happened somewhere in the vicinity of Cambridge that didn’t involve News or anything like News. Actually, perhaps there may be some News, a smear let’s say. But only a bit, I promise.