Spoof News Is Good News: Week 2

SUE DENIM is not a satirical creation and is therefore open to be sued, accused of libel, jailed, or assassinated by the government for offensive or controversial revelations. I mean, please don’t, but they are possible options.

World News, Politics

Putin bans rainbows from ‘insubordinate’ Russian sky: military advances attempt to annex atmosphere

Girton struggling with loss of foreign aid from UK

Colours don’t come in Russian… apparently

University News

Vice-Chancellor looks from his window to the west, removes his glasses with a shaking hand and thinks of what might have been

Prayers for living wage still unanswered; University finance deity unfathomable to the likes of men. Next week – The inconsistent Trinity: Is our theology of an all-loving, all-powerful bursar compatible with the problem of evil?

Moment of ‘drunken abandon’ leads Trinity to purchase Wales; Girton to expand accommodation

Culture

Dragon unemployment at all time high as Games of Thrones resorts to computer-generated creatures for latest season: “It simply isn’t financially viable anymore. Our animators are already part of the team and it made sense to expand their work, rather than taking on countless new contracts. Also Emilia Clarke really hates animals. We had some tense moments of filming. After the last season I don’t think she’s legally permitted to be within fifty metres of a dragon. Or a child.”

Typo in ‘ADC THEATRE’ finally altered to correctly spell alphabet

Finalist’s consistently tangential dissertation hailed as stream-of-consciousness masterpiece, rivals Joyce

New benefits package for unemployed dragons

Academia

Putting words on paper now a ‘minimum requirement’ for 2:1 in English

University unsure how to proceed with suspicious application to begin studies at Homerton; “Whoever this kid is, he knows something we don’t,” murmers Vice Chancellor

Senior Tutors express dedication to accessibility, allow impoverished students to serve them claret

Nightlife

Local nightclub changes name, gets makeover, determined to learn from mistakes of the past and start new life

Woman ‘swooning’ at pursuer’s ability to back her into a corner

La Vie en Rose

Technology

Microsoft creates superintelligent AI, too complex to function with Windows software; “I don’t want to alarm anyone, but we may have created the first machines capable of human pretensions.”

Horoscope

Aries: “Today you will meet a tall, dark stranger. Flee him. Leave your family and make it to the border by sundown. Leo will be waiting there for you with a passport and change of clothes.”

Pisces: “You don’t want to know. It’s better if you don’t know.”

Stay tuned for next week, when we find out what happened somewhere in the vicinity of Cambridge that didn’t involve News or anything like News. Actually, perhaps there may be some News, a smear let’s say. But only a bit, I promise.