Tab Tries: Legal Highs
Human guinea pig extraordinaire LAURA ROLLINS pumps her body full of powerful and potentially dangerous mind-altering chemicals.
We’ve all tried the standard state-sanctioned drugs, and let’s be honest, we’re not 16 anymore and caffeine, alcohol and nicotine just aren’t as exciting as they once were.
So with David Cameron promising a crackdown on legal highs, I thought that this would be the perfect time for me to try some, before they are made illegal.
I’m personally against illegal drugs. They are illegal, so that means they are morally wrong. Just think of all of the victims of weed!
After literally a few minutes of research, I’d discounted all of the ridiculously named, unspecified substances on the internet like “JoKane” and “Charly Sheen” and chosen MXP as my legal high. That’s Methoxphenidine for all you chemistry nerds:
It’s a new dissociative drug, compared by some to the class C drug Ketamine and the class B drug (as of Feb 2013) MXE, although this comparison has been heavily criticised.
Here’s what happened:
9.20 – Took the MXP. It tasted awful, undiluted Ribena is a shit chaser.
9.43 – Nothing yet, might do some work
10.07 – Sense of touch has increased, if that makes sense.
11.14 – Wow, feel weird but in a good way. It’s like Inception or something.
11.29 – Music sounds incredible .
11.43 – Why did they call Cambridge’s Music Society “Cums”? That doesn’t even make sense?
12.05 – Listening to “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi for the fourth time in a row. That key change… Starting to get concerned that I don’t like music other than Bon Jovi.
12.10 – Listened to it again. Really concerned.
12.12 – Panic over. Kate Bush.
12.19 – I feel so great, so euphoric. I love everything. Thank you Tab, this is amazing.
By this point my experiences on MXP had been really good, but then the unexpected happened. I’m really not the clubbing type, but it appears that at 12:30 I decided that I’d do what I thought any high person does and went to Fez?!?
12.30 – Getting really possessive about all my valuables: my phone, my wallet, my packet of biscuits. I really love them. Going to take them to Fez.
12.38 – Walked out of my building. The world is so beautiful and I’ve got my valuables, it’s bliss. Everything looks so 3D… so perspective.
1.00 – Outside King’s Chapel. It looks so imposing. Is it really big, or is it just close?
12.43 – I still feel really possessive about my wallet, so I didn’t want to pay entry to Fez. I tried to convince the bouncers that I was a celebrity. It didn’t work and they took my biscuits away. Felt really down about it until some random people came up to me and knew me because I am famous. Now everyone around me is talking about me being in Fez, like when Steps were in Life. I met them. Makes sense because I’m famous too. I think people want my autograph. Going to do autographing.
12.58 – People don’t want my autograph. Really confused. Got into Fez though.
1.45 – The biscuits don’t matter anymore.
2.12 – House parties are so much better than clubs.
2.50 – Knocking stuff over in my room, lost control of my limbs. It’s pretty funny. Probably going to go to bed. Fancy a biscuit though.
2.52 – Can’t find my biscuits.
All in all, my experience was really fun. I hope David Cameron doesn’t make it illegal. I’m pretty sure there weren’t any victims except that guy who got my autograph. He might put that on eBay and have to pay a placement fee (do those still exist? answer in the comments).
When drugs are criminalized, new ones with similar effects are often invented. MXP is claimed to be replacing MXE, which replaced Ketamine. However, each new drug has been less well tested and could have unforeseen dangers. So I’m sure David Cameron will be sensible and take precautions against these dangers by stopping his crackdown.
Wait, is crackdown a pun on crack? I hope David realises that crack is already illegal.
The Tab must stress that ‘legal highs’ are often untested for side effects and, as a result, may be massively more dangerous than many ‘illegal’ highs. Often substances marketed as legal highs actually contain illegal chemicals, anyway.
Laura’s actions were an example of risky Gonzo journalism and, frankly, we recommend that you stick to Lemsip.