Tab Blind Date: Mollie and Three White Guys
Tab Blind Date is back with a Christmas special! And in the spirit of giving, we’ve allowed five guys on a date instead of one…
Mollie and Three White Guys were the fifth almost-couple to be match made by The Tab. It’s nearly Christmas, and we at The Tab thought we’d arrange a multi-date to celebrate. Does this have anything to do with promoting the comedy show of Three White Guys? The Scrooges among you would say – ‘yes.’ The Cupids among you, however, would sit back and appreciate that love is plurious and abstract. Read on, and don’t forget to apply yourself for some Lent Love next term.
Mollie is a second year English student at Murray Edwards who once ate a bee.
Ken, Adrian, Ben, Bhargav and Jamie are seasoned comedians scattered across Cambridge. Only three of them are white.
KEN: Ideal date needs to have a hefty ISA (nothing is sexier than the thought of compound interest), a solid state hard drive and a good sense of humour (laughs at all my jokes)
ADRIAN: I just want someone who is pretty on the inside. And externally. I’m all about the aesthetics really.
MOLLIE: Tall, dark and handsy.
KEN: I thought it would be like a Mock the Week episode where everyone is competing to get funny lines out and I was worried I’d be the extra one who doesn’t say anything at all or worse, Andy Parsons.
JAMIE: I was slightly concerned that bringing four of your friends along on a date was not “a cool thing to do”. While Adrian passionately argued the free market model of blind dating, where perfect competition between suitors increases romantic efficiency in the long run, I suspected he was talking nonsense. But I was ready and willing to be proven wrong.
MOLLIE: I knew there were going to be five guys, which increased my chance of a shag five fold.
BHARGAV: I’m quite famous for my impressions. I decided to kick the evening off with my impression of Socrates; which of course I shamelessly nicked from Bo Burnham.
MOLLIE: I saw Adrian waiting quietly by himself outside Spoons and wondered if I had perhaps been stood up four times over. I repeated this excellent joke to Adrian when I reached him, but he unfortunately misheard and thought that I said that I’d already been stood up four times in my life. Was actually pretty chuffed as this is the kind of adorable miscross of wires which happens in all of the best Kate Winslet films. Stood around feeling like Kate Winslet as Adrian explained that Ken was late because of a massive water leak which I actually thought was pretty rude. If Ken didn’t fancy me he should have just said.
What did you talk about?
KEN: I opened with talking about my house falling apart: there is a massive water leak and that’s why I arrived late, stressed and insufficiently showered.
JAMIE: Life, love, longing – also, which part of Wetherspoons we wanted to sit in. This took up an unjustifiably large amount of time.
MOLLIE: Family, comedy, Jamie’s long arms, living in Edinburgh, heritage, Ken’s water leak and Dangerspoons. I also asked if they had any groupies, and they all said no, and Ken incredibly thoughtfully pointed out that they all went into comedy to get girls, but theirs was the kind of comedy which in fact repelled girls. I thought this was really ironic and sad and that maybe some kind of meta sketch about this was due, but then I thought hey leave the work at work right, and so just asked about Jamie’s long arms again instead.
Best thing about your date?
KEN: It was like hanging out with your friends plus a girl being there. If you meant best thing about Mollie specifically, she has a nice head.
JAMIE: When Bhargav started showing everyone his battle scars. I think we all fell a little in love with him at that point.
BHARGAV: I really enjoyed showing off some of my battle scars from growing up in a rough neighbourhood. We all know that dating is a competition and I believe I won that round.
Worst thing about your date?
KEN: There was a moment we were talking about Indian literature or something and Bhargav made an incredibly racist joke, which I wish I had thought of and said first.
ADRIAN: Bhargav kept telling this one joke about Gary Lineker and the Eurozone crisis which lasted about three minutes and for which the punchline was ‘and I said: that’s my sort of bailout!’
It was funny the first five or six times but after that just became tedious.
JAMIE: The fact that male-male-male-male-male-female relationships are frowned upon in our buttoned-up, heteronormative society. Love is love, guys.
MOLLIE: Too short! And also when they did impressions of the absent Ben who I’d never met and the impressions really rubbed that in my face because how can you recognise an impression of someone you’ve never met?
Trajectory of the date?
KEN: Well, none of us left alone that night, except Mollie, so who is the real winner?
ADRIAN: Down, down, up, up, up, up, up, up, up, (Mollie arrives), up, down. Fin.
JAMIE: I dunno, a parabola?
MOLLIE: Consistently high.
Would you introduce her/them to your parents?
KEN: No. My parents are very mistrusting of white people, and women in general. They always tell me “make sure you get a good prenup”, “check her medical history” or “she is a lemon stealing whore”.
ADRIAN: As a feminist I would let Mollie introduce herself.
JAMIE: Yes, but only if Ken, Ben, Adrian and Bhargav’s parents were there too.
MOLLIE: Absolutely. They could be my little hareem of comedians. Actually I’m not sure about Bhargav, because he said he once beat someone up with a metal rod, and I think that’s wrong.
If you could change one thing about the evening, what would it be?
KEN: I’d probably make it more like the movie Pacific Rim.
Marks out of 10?
KEN: I would say 6. I feel there should have been more of her to go around. Sometimes a meal can be really amazing but the portions are just not big enough to justify the top tier scores, like Nandos. She was the Nandos of dating.
ADRIAN: 8 (sideways infinity).
Are you going to meet again?
KEN: Definitely. Whether she says yes to this or not.
ADRIAN: Mollie winked at me A LOT during the date so I would say yes.
MOLLIE: Yes! They actually offered me a place in their show, but then we decided that Three White Guys and A Girl wouldn’t work as it’s not clear if the girl is white too or if she’s actually not. I’m quite sad, because they said if it hadn’t been for that they would have signed me up on the spot.
Mollie and Three White Guys enjoyed their date at Wetherspoons. If you’d like to participate in The Tab’s next blind date, complete with a FREE meal, please email [email protected] with your name, college, sexuality and a single interesting fact about yourself. Additonally, you can witness the boys in action yourself at their comedy show ‘Three White Guys 2’ at 11pm, 3rd December at the ADC.