Disaffiliation Fever

CUSU are right: we have good reason to fear the domino effect of disaffiliation. KATIE ZINSER gives an insight from the future into the worrying possibilities.

caius Cambridge Cambridge University colleges Corpus CUSU democracy disaffiliation eu Flick Osborn George Osborne Greece greek independence

29TH NOVEMBER 2014

CUSU’s concerns have been validated, a worrying wave of ‘disaffiliation fever’ has swept Cambridge and beyond.

Every single Cambridge college has decided to disaffiliate not only from CUSU, which has been renamed ‘CUU’ due to a lack of affiliated students, but from the actual University itself. This has led to roughly 500 mini-faculties being set up, in a bid for independence by each college. The Times was so confused when trying to rank all of these new independent universities that John Witherow had a break down and disaffiliated from his own paper.

Land has also proved an obstacle to the colleges’ quest for independence, as the Master of Peterhouse explained: “Being the smallest college, we have struggled. Our new Natsci faculty is only 6 metres squared, but there’s a fantastic spirit of fraternity and democracy in the college that makes it all worth it”

One Natsci making great use of his new independent facilities

One Natsci making great use of his new independent facilities

This quotation was given four days ago, but since then his optimism has been proved unfounded, as every student has now in fact disaffiliated from their college. Thousands of students roam Cambridge as individual entities, basking in the warmth of each other’s independence in these bitter winter months.

The wider country has not been immune. Russell Brand was seen standing naked on the rooftop of the Houses of Parliament, screaming something mean about Robert Webb and clutching ‘A Very Short Introduction to: Marxism’. Meanwhile, David Cameron threw in his penny’s worth by taking the immediate decision to disaffiliate Britain from the EU.

“Fuck the referendum”, he said, with sweaty passion.  Needless to say, Scotland has also finally become independent of the UK, but even Flick’s not shedding any tears over that one.

A different Osborne, of the George variety, hopes to go further. In a debate last week with the Greek Prime Minister, he said the following: “Boys, I’ve done the calculations. Greece have spent billions of the tax-payer’s hard-earned money on Ouzo socials, football stash and feta cheese. And what do we get back in return? More fucking feta cheese. I don’t even like it, it’s far too salty and it goes off really quickly, even if you roll it up in a ziplock bag.”

Osborne went on to say that he felt disappointed by the world: “We give billions of pounds in aid to other countries, and we don’t even get back proper support. Where was the Middle East when a woman snuck into Downing Street? Did we get any welfare support from Asia to deal with Nick Clegg? No. If we disaffiliate from the world, think how many communist prisons we could build.”

Osborne: "It's just not bloody-well fair"

Osborne: “It’s not bloody-well fair”

The Greek leader simply replied: “Greece coulda provide kalamata olives for eveerrybady!”, before wandering off for a nap.

Samaras: I try'a so 'ard to stay awake

Samaras: “I try’a so ‘ard to stay awake”

Some individuals have even physically tried to disaffiliate themselves from the planet. The Tab managed to grab a quote off one of them as he fired himself away from the Earth. “This disaffiliation fever man, it’s fucking powerful. I’m so HOT. IM HOT FROM IT.” The likelihood is that this man’s unusual hotness stemmed from the fact that as gravity wore off, he spun closer and closer to the sun’s burning face. As he did so, Flick Osborn heaved a knowledgeable sigh.

Talks have begun on the planet disaffiliating from the solar system. Counter-arguments about climate and gravity have been floated, but have been strongly rebutted by the ex-JCR President of Corpus Christi: “Yeah okay, so maybe we love gravity and we love our solar system, in the same way we love the planet, and the EU, and this country, and our colleges. But my mum always taught me, when you love something, you have to let it go.”

Such beautiful idealism is difficult to argue with.

This report has been brought to you by Katie Zinser, recently disaffiliated from The Tab. Whether that was because of these recent developments or its gratuitous bum coverage, I’m sure you don’t particularly give a fuck.