The Fez Diaries

See if you can guess the identity of this mysterious clubber

We all love clubbing, don’t we?

No.

My first clubbing experience was last term and, beforehand, my expectations were high. I’d seen countless glossy photos of stationary men grinning at alcohol and girls holding onto one another while leaning back a bit as if in the early stages of a slightly crappy trust exercise. Thus, as you can imagine, I was prepared for a rousing parlour of bliss, youth and pussy.

Surprisingly this wasn’t the case, though, as what I in fact encountered was a cramped bin made of twats and sweat. As a whole, my evening was about as fun as being forced to watch The Phantom Menace on repeat while strapped to a malfunctioning Waltzer, only louder and with stiffer dialogue. I left Fez disillusioned.

Others didn’t though. “That was brilliant!” a friend implied by vomiting onto Sidney Sussex; “What a great night!” another suggested by crying into her heels. Interesting, I thought. What was it that made someone enjoy this kind of experience?

To find out, I decided to conduct an experiment. I would ask a diverse range of students to record their experiences of a night out, and, from what they had to say, infer what exactly it is that’s needed to enjoy a night spent clubbing.

Sarah Meaty – struggling 1^st year English student at Christ’s

“We clambered jadedly towards the back of the extruding queue that snaked through the darkness like a big snake in the dark. The night was cold. Sharp. Biting. I felt some frost nip at the weathered skin of my fingers: the piercing chew of winter’s tarantula.

“After a moderate elapsing of time we finally penetrated the club’s maw. Drifting inwards, we were met with a vast waterfall of noise that cascaded towards us and engulfed us, spiralling its way into our ears; noodling its way into our eardrums and brains. Wow, I thought. This place was buzzing, like a big bee in the dark.

“I strode emphatically into the noisy mass of sound and noises, the occasional limb flailing towards me and drawing a flinch from my excited and perplexed face. What a superb juxtaposition to the quiet of the outside, I mused, carefully, before heading towards the bar, edging through the turbulent ocean of people. A crowd.

Poignant

“Later, I heard a voice in my right ear. I pirouetted timidly to see a boy of medium height hovering veraciously just a small distance away. I stared. His face carried an element of tragedy: a pained expression carved into every crevice almost as if he was channelling Shakespeare or Macbeth. He muttered something, but its audibility escaped into the night, like a crow.”

Evening rating: 7/10

Kevin Chen – 2^nd year physician at Downing

23:08 Going in club.

23:09 Light entering through club door is refracting slightly. Surprising considering angle of incidence.

23:14 Music is on. Quite loud. Would be better quieter but atmosphere might be lost.

23:29 On dance floor.

23:30 Sitting down away from dance floor.

23:34 Earplugs have fallen out. Concerned regarding threat of tinnitus.

00:04 Floor is vibrating. Oscillations are inconsistent and equilibrium point has changed twice. Disappointing.

00:12 Girl is speaking to me.

00:13 Girl has trodden on my foot.

00:13 Have told girl to get off my foot. She has smiled at me. Her jaw is too masculine; not interested even if she is.

00:41 Heading towards exit. Only twenty minutes until closing time so have definitely got money’s worth.

Evening rating: 6/10

The DJ was playing what I believe are known as ‘sick beats’

Ted Edgings – 1^st year Land Economist at Homerton

I left my room at about nine fifteen and arrived at the club probably around half twelve. After spending twenty minutes trying to find the entrance, I went inside. Instantly, I felt proud. There I was, at Cambridge, on one of the most sought after courses in the world… but as a result of my excellent time management skills I’d found the time to have fun too. Wicked!

The music was really cool, and I started talking to people. We soon became friends – which was hardly a surprise seeing as the multidisciplinary nature of my course requires me to develop my people skills alongside my academic abilities! Haha.

Later on I bought some alcohol, and was soon drunk! I felt a sense of pride as the barman handed the glass to me. With my course having a strong applied base and an emphasis on the development of critical thinking skills, I’d never need to work in a bar!

Evening rating: a hundred!!!

Marie Clare – 4^th year Asian and Middle Eastern Studies student at Corpus

LOL!

ارتياد الصعب عندما لم تتمكن من الرقص. لحسن الحظ يمكن أنا، وخصوصا عندما لقد كان Jägerbombs متعددة. كان المساء ليس أفضل، وأنا أتمنى لو لم ازعجت، وأنا حصلت على المحاصرين في بن Biffa Bin بطريق الخطأ على Verruca–Sock انتهى بي المساء عن طريق ترجمة بعض النصوص من موقع على شبكة الانترنت إلى اللغة الإنجليزية مثل وخزة.

Evening rating: 1/10