Mr ASBO: A Tab Tribute

Mr. ASBO has finally been moved from the Cam, to the delight of rowers and journos alike.

It is with a tinge of sadness and shit-load of relief that we can bring the news this week that Mr ASBO has finally been moved from the Cam. 

In one final twist to the protracted saga of Cambridge’s infamous aquatic hooligan, authorities were given emergency licence to move him 60 miles away from the city. The exact location is understood to remain a secret.

Rowers are relieved. Emma Walker, Caius W1, told The Tab: “It was always scary when ‘Captain beak’ came up behind you.”

ASBO hit the headlines nearly three years ago, when boaties reported his ‘particular taste for coxes’. Like any self-respecting young delinquent, his exploits were quickly plastered over the internet, attracting a Facebook appreciation page, spawning Youtube videos and courting the attentions of the national press.

The epic tale of ASBO has seen him survive a vicious assassination attempt, he has beaten a crippling bout of arthritis which threatened to leave him without a toe and he even weathered calls by Johns’ students to serve him for dinner in formal hall: only John’s fellows and the Queen have the right to do so.

For all his avowed enemies on the river, ASBO has picked up his fair share of admirers as well. These include bonkers local ‘Battleship Bob’ Middleton, who landed a £7,000 fine for disrupting 2011’s May Bumps in the interest of ASBO’s welfare, and ‘swan-whisperer’ Michelle Childerley, who claims to be capable of ‘communicating telepathically’ with our hero using only his photograph.

So long, and thanks for all the headlines

Perhaps ASBO’s finest hour, however, came when he made his national television debut on the BBC’s ‘The One Show’. Refusing to play along with Adrian Chiles and chums, the TV crew rented a canoe and proceeded to ransack his nest in the name of good television.

But as ASBO gets acquainted with his new life under the witness protection programme, it is worth remembering that there have been real victims to his antics over the years. Poor Tab reporters have had to squeeze every bit of life out of stale swan-related puns each and every time ASBO hit the headlines. From leaving his cygneture with oar-ful attacks on boaties to ASBO’s sore-toe mallardy, The Tab has taken on ASBO and has been left battered, bruised and beaten.

So it is with a grudging respect that we grant Mr ASBO this final swan-song. He has worn his title like the badge of honour it is supposed to be.

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