Before the Bubble Bursts: Part I

BEN DALTON and KATIE KIBBLER reckon there is more to do before you graduate than pass exams…

Blue Cambridge dean graduation grantchester jesus college jesus horse night climbers PUNTING sent down Sport

One moment you are donning your gown for matriculation, feeling vaguely nauseous and sweaty after a night in Life. The next moment you’re donning your furs, feeling nauseous and sweaty at the prospect of a very different sort of life. Three years in the ‘Bridge goes by in a flash, so here are some  must-dos before the party ends…

Punt to Grantchester

Don’t miss this ultimate Cantab experience. Famously named after the less aggressive of the brothers Mitchell, Grantchester is lovely. Heaving with forbidden fruit and literary history, you could do much worse than spend an afternoon here schmoozing your summer-madam with meringue and sparkling perry. Like Manchester, but with accents that Kate Middleton would approve of.

Naked Quad Run

Do you enjoy the feel of the morning breeze caressing your unclothed bott? Do you enjoy intimate interaction with butterflies? Hefty fines from the dean? Even if you have answered ‘no’ to any or all of the above, The Tab urges you to give this most noble of Cambridge sports a try. You can’t get a blue in it yet, but it’s surely only a matter of time.

Ride the Jesus Horse 

Unlike a real horse, there is no danger that this one will eat you out of oats or buck you. According to Urban Dictionary, a Jesus Horse is a dinosaur. Play the Jurassic Park theme tune on your ghetto blaster, but try to avoid getting sent down in prehistoric style.

Sleep with/get with a Supervisor

If you haven’t done this by Halfway Hall, you’re obviously disgusting or frigid. Academics are either lonely sexual predators or overly interested in medieval fabliaux; regardless, they’re gagging for access to your pigeon hole(s). Next time you’re reading The Miller’s Tale, why not introduce some kinaesthetic learning, involving the removal of your pantaloons and/or petticoat(s). Make rampant love all over the Riverside Chaucer.

Find the Night Climbers

Like Father Christmas, the Night Climbers have very large beards. They also respond well to whiskey and mince pie, so if you want to find them, you should attach these to the end of your torch. First practice your climbing on a medium sized shed or a very tall dog. Having mastered your spider-man moves, have a flick through the definitive guide book Whipplesnaith for some handy tips. Oh and don’t actually climb King’s. There are spikes.

Get a Blue…

You can get a half blue in korfball or dancesport or even lifesaving. Next time you’re outside Spoons on a Saturday night, step in and save a bleeding civilian in clear view of an independent adjudicator, and proudly stitch your new blue badge to your swimming towel. You can also get a blue in rugby, rowing and polo, but everyone will think you’re a twat and consequently refuse you a nibble of their Snickers.

…or shag a Blue

If time is short, and you have the lung capacity of an asthmatic nine year old, this might be a more realistic aim. Obviously once you’ve got your blue in dancesport, you’ll be beating them away with a bludger. On the other hand, you might just be one of the people desperately craving (korf)ball, and you’ll need to equip yourself with some game if you want to penetrate their unitard. Mostly, this involves wearing a very small skirt and smiling sweetly as they hand you VKs and massage your breasts in public.

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This is but a minor selection of the wealth of experiences Cambridge has to offer. You might want to break into the underground caverns of the Union, expose yourself in the botanical gardens or throw a flashmob in the Rare Books Room.

Illustrations by Esther Harding

Share your suggestions of Cambridge must-dos in the comment box below, and keep your eyes on The Tab for Part II…