Madame TeaLeaves: Week 1 Horoscope

Madame TeaLeaves gazes into her glass ball of truth…What will Lent Term have in store for you?
Taurus

April 20th-May 20th

Christmas was a trialling time; you felt naked and vulnerable. Break the cycle of melancholy by snapping a friend’s pencil in mock-fury. It will reinvigorate you and the friend will forgive.

Aries

March 21st-April 19th

You have been feeling a little cagey recently, I sense it. It’s time to rediscover yourself – try something new, go for brown sauce rather than ketchup, or soft narcotics. Be wary of friends with dark eyebrows, they will sap your positivity.

Gemini 

May 21st-June 20th

Gemini, oh Gemini. This always happens, doesn’t it? Don’t do it again.

Cancer

June 21st – July 22nd

You have always lived under the rule of the Moon and are prone to quite alarming swings in temperament. Master yourself. Open doors with authority. Refer to yourself in the ‘we’ form. Wear padding in crucial areas for added confidence.

Leo

July 23rd-August 22nd

Leos are misunderstood creatures, rarely the subjects of recognition. This week, seek that recognition. Demand grovelling thanks for everything you do, even when passing jugs of water to dining companions. Refuse to act on requests that do not end in “Pretty-please” or if possible, “If it would grace your Lionship”.

Virgo

August 2rd-September 22nd

Your morals are solid. Yet you may find yourself presented with a dilemma before gandering into a supermarket this week in the form of a humanoid creature brandishing something at you and intoning the name of a magazine. Be mentally prepared to fight or buy.

Libra

September 23rd-October 22nd

It might be wise to not go too near bicycles this weekend, but only if you take pride in possessing a passably pleasing face. Otherwise do what you want.

Scorpio

October 23rd-November 21st

You’re a giver, but right now you’re giving too much of yourself. Start taking. Ideally not people’s possessions, but if that gives you a kick then knock yourself out.

Sagittarius

November 22nd-December 21st

You have been using vowels too much recently, had you noticed? They’re superfluous. Break that dependency, you’re better than them. Spk lk ths frm nw n. Y’ll fl lbrtd. Prms.

Capricorn

December 22nd-January 19th

You will meet a stranger who will fix you with a sharp and insolent stare, promising the world and more. Ignore this; they want you to move so they can get past. Go to Rymans, your highlighter stock is pathetic.

Aquarius

January 20th-February 18th

There is absolutely the need to panic. Go right ahead and do it. Lose your head, preferably in a public place or Porters’ Lodge. In moments of calm, endeavour to make scissors out of spoons, it will reawaken your healthy mania.

Pisces

February 19th-March 20th

Stop being erratic. Try to cultivate the prefix “Reliable”, to be attached seamlessly to your name. Do so by promising achievable things – “I promise you I will blink a lot tomorrow, you can count on me”, “I give you my word, I will use my legs to get around tomorrow”. Ignore ridicule, it comes from jealous hearts.

Illustrations by Ella Jackson