Music To Shag To
DAVID HOLLAND: If music be the food of love, go forth and shag to good tunes.
Sex, if you’re doing it right, should be noisy. Moans, banging and squelching. These things are: a) occasionally embarrassing to make in front of your partner and b) always embarrassing to make in front of your neighbours. No one wants to get coffee in the gyp the next day when your neighbours have heard your O-noises and what exactly you like to stick where and how hard.
This brings us to the most useful feature of iTunes: the sex playlist. Your neighbours will think you like late night dancing and your partner will be awed by just how cool your music tastes are and just how hot your moves are. There are many dos and don’ts with the sex-list though, so here is The Tab’s handy guide:
Turn up the volume
1) Make sure you cater to your audience. If you’re shagging a girl in massive trainers wearing bling, then maybe don’t show off your Metallica based hate-fuck. If you’re fucking anyone under 55, then don’t think you can woo her with Barry White. If in doubt, stick to a just-off-of-mainstream mix of indie and dance.
2) Don’t go too adventurous unless you really fancy a challenge. The standard boom-boom-boom dance beat provides an excellent humping rhythm. Avoid off-beat bebop jazz unless you into a very a avant-garde sexual tempo. Go for multiple 2-3 minute songs, it’ll make her feel like you lasted longer, and stop her getting bored. As good as Floyd’s Echoes is, cumming half way through the song will be humiliating.
3) Keep it light. Sex is (mostly) fun, so keep it jovial. As big a Thom Yorke fan as I am, I’d still find it a real test to maintain an erection through many of his tracks. This is the way with music: good music tends to be bad for sex. If you have sex to Cash’s Hurt you wont seem like a sensitive soul; you’ll seem like a rapist. But don’t go too jolly; putting on The Jonas Brothers also has far too much of a sex offender vibe.
4) Don’t ever use shuffle. Put the effort in to make an actual playlist, you lazy arse. Shuffle can produce unpredictable results that can really ruin the moment. No one wants an Alain de Botton podcast trying to stimulate your brain whilst you’re trying to stimulate an erogenous zone. I had shuffle on earlier and the Star Wars theme tune came on. It would be absolutely impossible to not pretend that your penis is a light sabre in this situation. I’ve checked, and this is not sexy.
5) Give it a coy name like ‘night tunes’ or ‘good time songs’. Don’t call it ‘Dave’s dirty shag mix,’ or ‘tracks to get her wet.’ There are of course points for puns and double entendres. Some suggestions: ‘I can feel ME coming in the air tonight,’ ‘Wet Wet Wet,’ or ‘time for: The Strokes.’ These are poor. Feel free to do better below, and the reward will be your own smug sense of satisfaction.
There we go, print off this handy guide and go forth to shag in aural bliss.
Illustration by Olivia Vane