In yet another DECLAN CLANCY exclusive, CUSU Headquarters are breached. His report on two weeks in the ‘ghetto’ reveals the astonishing lives of our hardworking representatives.
This week RON was beaten to the post of CUSU Student Union CO-Coordinator by someone else. It was proudly announced that there was a record turnout of four per cent. 628 votes.
On my daily 13 mile dawn run I took a new shortcut through some wasteland. Imagine my bewilderment when I stumbled upon the CUSU Military HQ! I decided to sneak in by cunningly disguising myself as a newly elected CUSU member. I was welcomed with open arms, shown the official CUSU handshake, then given my office hammock and mug, with the instructions that naptime is at 11am, 1pm and 4pm. ‘Sleeping Lions’ is usually played before lunch, and I was told to watch out for errant tumbleweed floating around the place. Someone informed me they still haven’t found the Women’s Officer, Roy Cropper, since last month’s ‘epic’ game of hide and seek either, so it’d be stellar if I could keep my eyes out for her too. In between a few initiatory rounds of Twister I attempted to ask Rahul Mangina, the CUSU Generalissimo, what CUSU actually did, but he just told me that it was a secret. So I thought I’d stick around to try and find out.
Day 1– Bad day in the office today. RON is packing up his desk after losing his by-election. RON appears to be the most hard working character at HQ, willing to apply for any position going. Roy Cropper, Women’s Officer, who was recently found in Dante’s fourth ring of hell by the CUSU Head of Crosswords, Carlton Banks, was tearful about his election defeat: ‘RON lived for co-ordinating students. He had them in race, gender, sexual promiscuity, height … whatever you wanted. He made sure everyone in the office knew about White Jeans Wednesdays, Suit-Up Fridays, and Shake’N’Bake Saturdays, (the latter being the landmark achievement of Tom Chigbo-Selecta’s dictatorship). I sure will miss him.’ ‘Did you love him?’ I asked her. ‘With all my heart,’ she answered, with customary female emotion.
Day 2– Huge discussion in the office today. Black pens or blue pens. This place is going to the shit since RON lost. At least four people have turned up wearing exactly the same outfit. No co-ordination.
Day 3– Admiral Lashington, First Sea Lord of the CUSU Navy bounded through the office at about 11am, hollering and guffawing at us to ‘All Come See!’ We came see. He proudly announced that 24 weeks late and at only £600,000 over budget, The Commemorative Tom Chigbo-Selecta Quaver Statue Memorial was finished. He pulled back the curtains to show us the 17 foot homage to the Old Leader, made entirely out of crisps. Rahul Mangina commented that it was the most beautiful snack-based representation of any of the 100 most influential black people in Britain since the Mr. Motivator crumpet miracle. Roy Cropper, Women’s Officer, proceeded to faint with customary female spontaneity.
Day 4– CFUCKSU, the CUSU Foreign Office, sent out a memo declaring annexation of Grantchester.
Day 5 – It’s Friday in the office. Which means no one is here. Four day weekend really lets everyone take their foot off the gas after a tough week.
Day 9– Spent the last four days locked in the office by myself. Had to eat the Chigbo statue to survive.
Day 10– Meet John ‘Party’ Smith, MC of CUSU Ents, for the first time. He shows me how from a distance of 45 yards he can fire 5 darts at the CUSU ‘Enemies’ Board and hit ‘He Who Shall not be Named’ in the eyes, mouth, forehead, and Big Fish badge. Then, he lets me listen to his whole collection of ‘CLUBLAND LIVE’ mini-disks; ‘Party’ is convinced they will revolutionise clubbing in Cambridge. He’s thinking of unleashing them at the new LGBT night on Thursday afternoons at The Copper Kettle.
Day 11– Had a lovely game of Battleship with Admiral Lashington. Let him win so that he would show me his new watercolour of Chigbo fighting a bear. He says the bear represents student apathy. Or something like that. I wasn’t really listening.
Day 12– Office is happy. Mangina has bought Segways for everyone. This will cut down wasted hours travelling between the games room and the fun slide. Should give everyone in the office more time to work on the huge elastic band ball being built.
Day 13– Roy Cropper, Women’s Officer, with customary female lack of spatial awareness, fails to notice the elastic band ball rolling towards her and is crushed.
Day 14– This is ridiculous. I’ve been here for two weeks. I’ve got a Magdalene Angus fashion show to get to so I’m off. But before I leave Mangina starts pestering me for another game of Connect 4. Silly tit reckons he’ll have me this time, wants to go double or nothing. I’ve already got clocked up £4,000 and the CUSU Jet ski in winnings, but apparently he thinks this time will be different. I didn’t fancy it, so I let RON play instead. He proceeds to crush Mangina. Good old RON – he’s back in the game.