Best Comments: Week Three

The Tab’s fortnightly feature reveals the best-read, most small-minded, offensive or eccentric comments to appear on the site. Read here, and see if your name (or ridiculous pseudonym) appears.

ADC Cambridge cat on a hot tin roof Chesney Hawkes College David Douglas-Pennant declan clancy jesus Phoebe Luckhurst redboys Sex Sex Positions the tab Tom Davenport


The Jesus vs. John’s match really brought out the Neanderthals. (Read The Tab’s coverage here.)

A mild-mannered ‘Tom’ was offended by the invective: “Wow. Someone’s a bit of a dick.” ‘Laddergoat’ wasn’t sympathetic: “Wow. I bit your mum’s dick. So fuck off.” ‘Dr Atkins’, refusing to become embroiled in such base diatribe, was more concerned about the player’s physique (read into that what you will): “I’m pretty sure it’s actually Milo’s belly being sent off in that photo. Nobody likes Milo’s belly.”


Last week, David Douglas-Pennant and Tab columnist, Declan Clancy, published their rules for social mobility – in either direction.

‘Droggles’, challenged these models, finding a point of confluence between the two classes: “These arbitrary divisions are only holding us back. ‘Louts’ and ‘Lords’ are united by the fact that they both have cold, dead, souless eyes.” Others were perturbed that David and Declan didn’t offer sufficiently broad models for which to aspire: “Whys there not a section on how to act like Chesney Hawkes?” (‘Dom Macklin’); “How can I be more like Jason Derulo?” (‘I heart Jason Derulo’). ‘Schhhhhhwefffiiiiing’ made an incredulous if incongruous comment about Freshers – 40% OF FRESHERS ARE VIRGINS!! – presumable based on The Tab’s most recent investigation. At least he’s been keeping up.

And in the same philanthropic spirit, George Johnston and George Lamb produced their guide on how to make it into the drinking society elite. ‘Deb Sunnet’ was above this sort of thing: “I just got my bahls out and they loved it” – no brown-nosing for him – although ‘What Is This?’ was appreciative: Shut up Lexi! You make me want to vomi- oh, wait. Good article boys.And ‘Prehistoric’ made his own, slightly lame interjections to the ‘lad’ dialogue: “oooh this bantersaurus rex has certainly got the bants in his pants”.


‘Trippin’, who I might assume would be a champion of this article, being as it is, a collection of vicious chunks of diatribe, commented: “fuck off back to pingu if you cant take the tab comment heat.” A man after my own heart. Where he meant detractors to ‘fuck off’ is slightly less clear, ‘pingu’ not being a determinate location, but the vitriol was evident.


‘Dreamy Dav’, as he has been called in the comments section before, generally met universal acclaim this week as he talked about his undercover mission at the ADC bar. However, ‘Gath the barman’, slowly becoming a regular on the site, was less amused: “Are you related to cambridge university cunt, yourself? So fuck off”. His diction is confused and confusing, but Dav should watch out for Gath, whoever he may be.


As well as offering his mots justes on how to descend from Duke to Devvo, Declan’s been writing his column: this week, it was about lads on tour (of shopping centres). ‘Wingman’ was distressed: “This is so unfair. Being a true wingman lad, i need my fellas looking good so we can all cruise together to get some proper pussy. going shopping together is for the lads. you must be gay because by not liking shopping you are not a lad. anti lad. decs gay!”; while, ‘Navdog’ was just confused and defensive: “Dec, i can’t believe you didn’t like my advice on the jeans. And we would never bitch about New Hall girls.”


The appearance of Lexi Abrams’ latest column on Sunday heralded the return of the bitches, haters and conspiracy theorists who so enjoy missing the point of her tongue-in-cheek dispatches. ‘disgusted’ raged “I am also a member of two drinking societies (and both real ones, not set up by freshers two weeks ago), and still I can’t get over you”; ‘HugeFan’ fetishised the column’s apparent emetic quality: “I couldn’t finish reading this because it made me vomit all over the computer and myself until the screen was obscured. I can only assume the rest of the article was as good as the bit I read”. ‘Anon’ just quibbled with a premise, asking, “since when were the pitt club ever popular?”


Instead of getting busy, many of you decided a more orgasmic use of your time would be to comment under The Tab’s ‘Sex Positions by College’ article. ‘Itsstillfunny’ had his/her own ideas about Caius: “We all know the actual Caius one is a cheeky handjob under the table, followed by a nice chunder.” There’s possibly a story in that (contact [email protected] if you know it). Others were violently offended: “this is just in very bad taste” (‘Josie’); “You are a disgusting person” (‘Arnold Hubbert’). ‘Angus-Soc’ had a divine mission: “How did Mary Magdalene get preggers? My mission to her uterus had been planned on a biblical scale. Yeah.” Yeah indeed. And the Redboys couldn’t help getting involved again: “Johns: The Bridge of Sighs (Look it up in the REDMA SUTRA), and there will be more than punting with a pole and paddle going on in the river below…. ;)”. Cheeky.


And the misogynists were out in their throngs on ‘Debate: Women’s Sport – Who Cares?’ “Question – why are blokes presenting both sides of your mum? One in the ear, and one right up the cunt.” (‘Jon Crook’ – doesn’t actually seem to make much sense, although I am a woman so what would I know?) ‘Paulo’ was utterly bemused and possibly not a native English speaker: “why this debate? women are kitchen and clean. no sport. ‘Harriet Harman’ argued that woman who can run as fast as men should be paid as much as men; ‘Freddy Freedman’ retorted with a novel training programme: “you’d run that fast if you saw how big my cock was.” Cambridge girls collectively melted.