Tom Davenport

Revealed: Myferns Initiations

The notorious Myferns drinking society held its annual freshers initiation ceremony this weekend. Following a broadly publicised rights dispute with the once-popular Farsity magazine and the little known CTS, The Tab was given exclusive access to this legendary event. Just one elite reporter was permitted to attend. Unsurprisingly, Tom Davenport, the decorated undercover journalist and lauded scoop specialist was sent to cover the ceremony. On his way to ‘Location X,’ rowdy assailants attacked Davenport and stole his trusty reporter’s notepad. He was forced as a result to send his report as a series of Tweets and photographs from his hybrid Blackbiphone.

Unfortunately, as a result of The Tab’s characteristically strict quality censoring, and the ‘obscene’ nature of the images Davenport sent through, every single one of the photographs was deemed unsuitable for publication. The Tweets however give a clear impression of how the evening unfolded:

7.47 pm OK, I’m in position. Noone here yet.
7.59 pm Still no one here.
8.25 pm This is a farce. What time was it supposed to begin?
8.29 pm Can you respond please?
8.49 pm Are you sure you have the right night?
9.03 pm For f**k’s sake, I’ve got an essay due tomorrow.
9.33 pm You useless morons. You must have got the wrong night.
9. 47 pm This is degrading. I am a professional.
10.00 pm I’m going fyi.
10.05 pm Right. They literally arrived as I was leaving. Sorry about that. I’m back in the game.
10.12 pm OK, a strong start. Interesting use of pizza bases.
10.17 pm Getting a little more bizarre.
10.20 pm OMG. That is not OK.
10.22 pm Interesting. That is not too bad actually. I could easily do that.
10.23 pm I take that back. Not like that.
10.25 pm He did it. I never thought of using one of them in that way.
10.27 pm I can’t bring myself to put that into words. In fact, I am not sure that there are words.
10.28 pm Lolz. On one level that is v impressive.
10.30 pm That is not what they were designed for btw.
10.33 pm I feel a bit ill.
10.34 pm I’m not sure he knows what that is.
10.35 pm That might be illegal.
10.37 pm That should be illegal.
10.38 pm That is illegal.
10.40 pm I’m leaving. This is too much.