Hardy’s Boat Race Diary: Week 4
HARDY CUBASCH takes the time to introduce you to some of CUBC’s most eligible bachelors…
In last week’s TAB Confessional, Amy Lambert threw the challenge out to all Cambridge male singletons.
Supposedly in Colleges across the University, women are tearing their hair out, trying in vain to find the answer to the age old question: where have all the good men gone? Intrigued, I read on, interested to learn that on top of this shortage of men Cambridge was “a city with an abundance of hot, single females”.
At that time the squad was shacked up on a testing camp in freezing Nottingham. So you could imagine my delight when that evening I opened some mail to find a lovely card from a secret admirer. Wow, maybe the article was correct and Cambridge girls had decided it was time to go on the front foot! The location for a day-time rendezvous was named, the way I’d be able to distinguish her from the crowd described and off to dinner I went with a little spring in my step. Unfortunately that lunch turned out to be a solo affair. Tail between my legs, back home I went, pondering if I would ever find the one.
Some sympathy from our President soon had me in better spirits. He confessed that he had experienced similar feelings himself, due to the fact that he had not received even a single Facebook friend request, despite the many appearances he has made in this column. I reassured him that the reason for this was that I kept spelling his surname McKitchen, when it’s actually McEachern. Secretly though, I felt good. Even Captain America himself was struggling with the ladies.
It’s not just him though. Many are the tales of woe that I have heard from team mates on the bus ride to Ely. This week, as the squad continues to be driven into the ground, being trialled and tested on a daily basis, I think it’s an opportune time to become a little better acquainted with some of these lonely hearts.
They are charming, smart, funny and – of course – supremely fit. They would do anything to share a lovely dinner for two with one of the supposed horde of single females that roam around Cambridge. If one of them particularly takes your fancy, you’ll be happy to note that their contact details are also included. Now, how easy has it been made for you ladies? No more excuses, please!
To keep things interesting for the rest of us though, a ratings poll and comments section is also in play. We can’t have these guys getting all the love without the rest of us being able to have some fun on their behalf now, can we?
So, on with the show.
Bachelor 1: Matt Whaley
The gentleman from the North.
A post-grad Nat Sci student from Caius, he is a combination of rugged mountaineer and Mummy’s boy. He possesses manners of the highest quality, but has disappointingly few chances to put these into practice. Having sustained a broken collarbone and stress fractures in his ribs, Matt has spent a large part of this season sitting on the wind trainer in the gym. For any of you keen to get back into shape before the summer rolls in, he would love a companion.
Bachelor 2: Pete McClelland
The man from the forests of Canada.
A former Mountie, Pete has seamlessly transitioned into University life. Pembroke is his home and the Judge Business School his office. A very strong contender for the Blue Boat, this man needs to be snapped up before any Blue tack try and steal him away on Boat Race Day. A gorgeous smile and accent to match.
Bachelor 3: Ted Randolph
The smallest and cheekiest member of the squad.
Ted spends many long and lonely nights in Peterhouse, awaiting that clandestine midnight knock. He has yet to be interrupted while working on a History essay. He is off to the City at the end of this year, his pockets soon to be bulging from a high-paying job in Banking. Step up now and claim your prize before he hits the big time.
His email until June: email@example.com
Bachelor 4: Nick Edelman
The thunder from Down Under.
A first year Lad Academist, would you believe this man has yet to even have the pleasure of holding the hand of a Cambridge lass? Most of us know it’s probably because he’s an Owl but even their notorious ability to completely intoxicate their dates has led to the formation of some happy couples. Nick grew up on the northern beaches of Sydney, was a graduate of Sydney Grammar and is searching for a girl that will compliment his easy going and larrikin ways. In his own words: “…in all seriousness, a girl that can do the splits while saying the alphabet backwards will win my heart”. Videos encouraged.
Bachelor 5: George Lamb
The self-proclaimed “Laminator”.
The youngest member of the squad and the man we all hope will find love the most. A Nat Sci student at John’s, he is so cute and innocent that he somehow has his own harem of older John’s ladies that have taken our young man under their wing. Could this possibly be a barrier for any young and shy Laminator admirers?
He may only be a Fresher at the moment but very soon will be the next big thing in town. Just look how broken he is too…
“Luckily, since I have arrived at Cambridge, I have come across two girls who have changed my life. Unfortunately in both cases I have been left with nothing but heartache. The wounds are still raw and I just want someone who will be able to see through my tragedy and recognise the loving, caring man I am. I am willing to put copious amounts of blood, sweat and tears into making it work with that special someone”.
NB: The Laminator is keen for any prospective dates to contact him directly as he tends to spend many extra hours down in the gym working on his guns.
Mobile: 07754 564 016.
So there you go. An offering of five of the finest men down at CUBC.
With Valentines Day in full swing, take the plunge and throw out some love to these lonely hearts. In the process prove to the rest of us that romance is alive and well in our beloved Cambridge and that we don’t need to have the baby-faced good looks of Matthew Jago to find our princess. Oh, and vote here: