Teenage Angst: Tab Agony Aunt

Dear L and L,
Every time I hit Cindies I lose my pants. I’m not kidding. In Michaelmas alone I seem to have misplaced over 9 pairs. It is getting expensive. To make matters worse, Ballare have the most inconvenient lost property collection hours. I’m a busy woman, I have lectures and supervisions, I don’t have time to pick up my La Perla from some club. And even then, they don’t seem to be sympathetic to my plight – apparently it’s something to do with Health and Safety. I’ve started to label my drawers with my name and college but nobody seems to get in touch. I like a bit of fun on the dance floor, but a real gentleman would be kind enough to just pull my knickers to one side before he whacks it in. Tearing them off is just plain tacky.

I love it when all the boys ask me to dance on the tables at the top bar, I schedule my waxes accordingly. Is it so wrong to want to show off where my £10.30 has been well spent? Last Thursday morning I found a condom inside me so I know I’m being safe, but I just don’t know what to do about my pant situation. I find myself half way through my walk home only to be stricken by a painfully nippy breeze to my pride and joy. What do you think I should do?
Concerned and cold, Fitz.

Have you thought of a chastity belt? They really haven’t got the stigma they used to any more, not since Daisy Lowe brought them to the attention of Shoreditch. They’re just like a bike lock! You just lock it up and away you go! Ask at your local blacksmith. From personal experience, we’d recommend the pants-free models,they usually include an alarm, stereo and text messaging features as standard. Of course, this does restrict views of your well groomed piste, but if you’re reluctant to give up flashing the cash well spent, there are other options available. Maybe just try gluing your undergarments to your lady parts-success on a small budget of £2.99 (Pritt Stick from WHSmiths. Avoid the glitter version – the pieces can stray.). Another option is to place them in the cloakroom at Cindies as soon as you get the urge, where you should be able to collect them at the end of night. If this is, understandably, too much of a hassle when you’re trying to quickly catch the attention of Mr. Rugby of St. John’s with your front-bum, there is one final solution: accept you’re a massive fuck whore.

Love,

L and L

Dear L and L,
I try to be a good boyfriend, I really do. I’ve remembered every single little anniversary from when we first met, sidestepping each other in a mixed netball match to the first time we shared a cornetto, right through to the first time I licked her out. I’ve met her parents. They’re massive racists, and that was well awkward because I’m half-Scottish. I surprise her with little presents all the time. I respect her feminism, even when she contradicts it because doesn’t actually understand what feminism is. I’m patient when we go shopping, I pretend to care when she talks about some stupid bint friend of hers that I don’t know did something that wasn’t actually anything but is supposed to be something; I even sat through X-Factor when I could’ve been doing 30,000 more pleasurable things. Like sanding my face ‘til I get down to the skull. I do all this and yet she still won’t get her baps out for the lads at the pub. I mean, the lads are so disappointed. We do a rousing chorus for her and she just flat refuses. I tell her “They’re good ones, love, they’re nothing to be afraid of. Be loud and proud of them. It’d be a real feminist thing to do.” But, no, still nothing. I just want her and the boys to bond, is that so much to ask? I hate that I have to keep the two most important things in my life so separate. The lads say if I don’t get her to do it soon, I can’t come on swaps anymore. Swaps are my life. What do I do?

Bap-less, Downing

Compromise is the key to any successful relationship. Why don’t you sit her down and try to come to some kind of agreement that you are both happy with. Maybe you should start small and slowly build up as she gets more comfortable around your male companions. Side boob is still awfully sexy. See if she might be willing to flash a bit of that ever so sought after side jug shot. If she isn’t convinced tell her all the hot celebs are doing it so she should do. If all else fails just have a wank over this: http://www.liquidgeneration.com/Media/Games/Picture-Fun/Other-Games/Whoose-Celebrity-Sideboob (we got 90%, pretty good). If that doesn’t satisfy your mammary needs, see if you can get her drunk enough flash those tatas wearing some nipple tassles a la Janet Jackson. Ann Summers do an excellent range (just make sure you bring some ID because the last time I tried to buy a vibrator they carded me…annoying, all I wanted was a quick flick before lectures). Explain that it isn’t really naked if your nips aren’t showing so she won’t be risking any potentially arrestable public displays of naked knockers. Better yet, you could just take advantage of the technological world we live in and heat up your relationship with a bit of sext action. Ask her to send you a sexy photo and then just text it to all of the lads. Trust is the foundation of a loving and caring relationship, but if she takes a whorish photo you basically have the right to pass it on. You could potentially even make a few dollah and see if ‘NUTS’ will put it into print. Actions speak louder than words, so if all else fails, whack your cock out for her and her friends. It isn’t double standards if you do it too. Just ask them if they want a game of ring toss, it would be fun AND you’re showing her you love her…
Love,

L and L

Disclaimer: If you follow the advice above you may a) sabotage all your relationships or b) get arrested.  Alternatively, it might all work out for the best. Use with care anyway.