Review: Sun, Sex and Holiday Madness

ROB SMITH enjoys this flimsy excuse to look at Sun, Syphilis and Al Fresco Cunnilingus.

AIDs BBC Three Chlamydia Drinking Hospital Reality Sex STIs Sun Trash TV

Any other week this would have made Trash vs. Class but unfortunately for BBC Three’s high minded documentary this was the week that Celeb BB began. The show in question is a look at the Magaluf club scene fronted by a Radio 1 non-entity who bumbles around saying insightful things like ‘I was surprised to find out that the number of young British women who binge drink has doubled over the past 8 years’. His naive glazed expression makes me suspect he thinks that binge is a type of alcohol. In his hard hitting enquiries he soon discovers that Brits are risking their health through unprotected sex, a scoop that is hardly going to win him Young Journalist of the Year anytime soon.

‘No glove no love’ is indeed the charming yet sensible motto of Daz, a truck driver from Salford. Unfortunately he goes on to add the caveat ‘there is the odd time though like in the sea the other night’. Surely you can’t contract STIs in the sparkling waters of Magaluf Daz? He could learn a lesson off his mate who paid a prostitute ten Euros to give him a condom in a time of desperate need. Onwards and cuntwards though for Daz who has dressed as a genie with the end of his lamp a lovely phallic prop replete with jizzy looking smoke emerging from its mystical uretha. The costume is a hit and before he knows it he’s balls deep in a lovely lass from Oldham. Daz is philosophical, ‘Happy days’ he muses. Happy days indeed.

In super-club BCM everyone screams along to Sex on Fire blissfully unaware that this is a prediction for the disease ridden copulation that awaits them later in the evening. The latest fad is found in the streets though and consists of inhaling vaporized alcohol with one erudite reviewer commenting ‘better than sex is that’. Nitrous Oxide and Oxygen are similarly inhaled, and one amateur health expert informs us that there are no serious side effects as he has looked it up on Wikipedia. We’ve all done an essay based only on Wikipedia and we all know how badly that went.

Magaluf isn’t all about the tourists though. Hannah is a worker in Magaluf and informs us that she’s going to get topless, a promise that she unfortunately fulfils. With the image of her pendulous milk sacks burned into the back of our retinas she reveals that she lives by the maxim that ‘One’s a shag, two’s a relationship and three you might as well be married’. Those numbers refer to sexual encounters for those wondering and her running total is about to hit forty within two months. Hannah isn’t a whore though; if she’s sober enough she tries to have safe sex. If they’re really fit and sheafless though she protests that she cannot walk away from a shag. Happy days as Daz would no doubt say.

Hannah has nothing to fear though as an insider informs us that a ‘Magaluf Special’ taken three times a day will clear you out. ‘Intriguing’ our ferret faced reporter thinks and discovers from another trusted source that it treats everything except AIDs. Zithromax as it is properly known can be purchased without prescription on the Island Utopia and does indeed treat everything except AIDS…gonorrhoea, syphilis, herpes and genital warts. Thankfully it does treat the silent but deadly Chlamydia and I’m sure that our Wikipedia browsing medical chief would confirm that consuming alcohol does nothing to inhibit its good work.

For those who are looking for more innocent fun bar crawls include games. There’s not a Scrabble tile insight, however, and the games seem to be flimsy excuses for nudity rather than rigorously codified tests of skill. One such game consists of a naked gentleman carrying a newly acquainted lady friend upside down before kissing her on the lips. By lips I mean labia and by kissing I mean simulating a bulldog eating a jar of mayonnaise. I dread to think what the World Championships must look like.

Shagaluf aint all fun and games though. Joe has a head injury and has drunk five pints (of vodka presumably). He spends a confused night in hospital before being discharged. A couple of days later he tells us his lesson is learnt before taking a sip on his medically forbidden pint. Compared to Jared he is a pussy, who has drunk to the point of paralysing his legs. Wheelchair bound he tells us that he’s a bit shocked and that he’s pretty gutted about it all. Luckily for Jared the use of his legs returns in a few days and he informs our Young Twat of the Year that it has nothing to do with the alcohol imbibed. Doctors, however, are insistent that they cannot be sure what caused the jolly bout of paralysis, but what do doctors know anyway?

Our journey ends with Hannah informing us that drink is her best friend, unfortunately missing the deadline for most depressing statement of 2009 by only a few days. Radio 1 tea boy Greg James gives us a moralising final line about the dangers of drink and it’s all over too soon. Sun, Sex and Holiday Madness is BBC Three programming at its hypocritical finest, combining a running commentary of middle class disapproval with footage that is obviously supposed to be entertaining and amusing. It’s like You’ve Been Framed but with the obstacles of garden furniture and slippery floors replaced with Chlamydia and paralysis. Happy days ladies and gentlemen, happy days.

Vital Statistics:

  • * Fatalities: 1
  • * Prostitutes robbing punters of their valuable booze money: 2
  • * PDC (Public Displays of Cunnilingus): 1
  • * Annoying Dance Remixes of Indie Hits: Countless.
  • * People managing to refrain from alcohol after a serious injury: 0.

To watch Sun, Syphilis and Al Fresco Cunnilingus on iPlayer click here.

Love Trash TV or want something more enlightening? Check out Trash Vs. Class here.