Status Update: Nobody Cares

Facebook is becoming intolerable. Once an adult alternative to the ridiculous teenage angst of MySpace and Bebo, it is now becoming afflicted by exactly the same problems. An article on the BBC News website not so long ago was focused on people going “cold turkey” from the site. It wouldn’t be that hard, considering how difficult some people make it to use without sifting through their bullshit on a daily basis.

The I-Should-Really-Be-On-Twitter User

'X is eating toast lolz.' 'Y is so bored'. No way! That is mental. Everybody does these precise things on a daily basis but doesn’t feel the need to update us via their mobile (Facebook mobile? Really?). People that complain of being bored whilst on Facebook are probably the worst.

The Wannabe Reporter

Wannabe Reporter helpfully proclaims stuff like 'Patrick Swayze’s dead! 🙁 R.I.P. Dirty Dancing star, I luv u. U heard it here first!' Or on the BBC, you daft prick. I don’t go to Facebook for my news, in the same way I don’t go to the Early Learning Centre for my entertainment. The problem is that you now can’t escape stories being repeated ad infinitum, and this helps to spread mistruths, mainly about ferrets and Kevin Costner (allegedly).

The 'Pokers' and Social Whores

Despite the irritation caused by the above two sets of people, what they do is not nearly as bad as the pokers and serial inviters. 'X has invited you to Farmville.' 'Y has invited you to take a quiz on X.' 'Z has invited you to answer, 'which is your favourite sexually transmitted infection?' ' How about no, because I’ve got better things to do than make an imaginary farm on a website and then compete against people who think making imaginary farms is worthwhile thing to do.

The 'Woe-Is-Me!' User

Those who fish for sympathy on their Facebook are just like those who do so in real life; a pathetic waste of a life. 'X is having such a bad day, how could it get any worse?' If you’ve got genuine problems that are really causing you hurt, why would you put it on Facebook for everyone to see? Unless you want endless responses of, 'u ok hunni?' and the like, which make you seem like an attention-seeking dick who is manipulating others in order to further your own strange agenda.

The Photographer

Everyone knows a photographer amongst their close friends; the fact of the matter is, the kind of person who enjoys taking photos at a small party is the kind of person who should never be invited to a party. If you’ve been to Rome, fair enough. But creating a new album for a new hoody (this actually happened) or a quiet night with a couple of beers is just ridiculous and embarrassing. Tagging everyone in those photos in the morning cements their place in the pantheon of utter pricks.

The Serial Detagger

On the other end of the spectrum is the serial detagger. 'Oh but I’m actually so fit in real life that these photos are not an accurate representation of how I look, despite the fact they are used for identification'. Yeah, you’re not that good looking, so why did you think a lens would turn you into Jessica fucking Alba? Grow up and accept you’re not always going to look that great, and you might actually enjoy yourself a bit more instead of posing for every picture, and removing the ones you don’t like.

The Serial Over-Sharers

Last, but certainly not least, is the score of Facebook users that are the serial over-sharers. 'X is heading to Boots to get some Vagisil.' LOL. Or not. Basic boundaries don't seem to exist for these too-much- information updaters, who willingly serve up detail after detail about their sex lives, relationship troubles and bodily functions; some of whom even put up pictures of disgusting injuries. Whilst I’m delighted to hear about your latest ailment, I was eating my cornflakes, you inconsiderate twat.

This is not even including the legions of Facebook users who are incapable of typing in anything other than capital letters, join groups for 'getting paid' and 'eating' as if they are activities that are not enjoyed or done by anyone else, and those who add friends with the eagerness of a true social maladjust. But fuck it, I’m too wound up. Time to go and check my Facebook.