The Cambridge A-Z

A fresher, eh?

Don’t try and pretend otherwise – there’s a small piss stain down your leg, you’ve got Sainsbury’s-basics vodka dripping from your nostrils and in act of remarkable subtlety you poured the inside of your guts all over the cobble paving. Then you went and slipped on it. And hey, don’t worry, everyone else does find that ill-fitting tutu hilarious, they just keep forgetting to laugh.

Sober up fresher, and stand to attention. I’m here with an half-arsed attempt to guide you through your first term in an ingenious 26-bullet-point-roller-coaster format, that, believe or not, takes you from A, to Z! Z!

A is for Asnac – Anglo-Saxon-Norse-And-Celtics. Don’t trust a word they say, they’re weirder than Tom Cruise, Uri Geller and Peter Sutcliffe combined.

B is for Bike Booty – Hot sweaty girls on bikes is a major plus.

C is for Cindies – While fatwas are usually a bit harsh, no other place on Earth deserves one more than Cindies. While most student guides inform you to head to the Ballare for a night of drunken fun, in their spare time those particular writers get their kicks from stapling their own rectums shut. Approximately as fun as sniffing your own puke.

D is for Daddy – Your new Visa card.

E is for Essays, (Failing To Hand In) – If you’re going do it, which you will, at least do it properly.  Nondescript personal problems reel in the sympathy and possibly up to a week’s extension.

F is for Freshers Fair  – Be warned, while all 30 of those societies you subscribed to the mailing for may seem exciting now, you won’t work out how to unsubscribe from them until the exam period. You’re not some horny, drunken 16-year old roaming the streets of Hull, so be discerning.

G is for Granta Bar – Hey, it may be as insipid and lifeless as that blonde judge off Britains Got Talent, but if you’re looking for a cheapish pint somewhere quiet (empty), you can’t beat this place.

H is for Ham – Only now will you realize what an expensive luxury this sandwich filling really is. Unless you go for the jelly type thats been sliced into unrecognizable morsels, but then you might as well just stick to good old toast.

I is for Issue, The Big – It could be a gem, it could be shit. But unless you’re the kind of the person that writes letters for Amnesty International, you’ll probably have no idea what its like. Guess there must be a lot of global protest letters coming out of this university, because we’ve got a hell of a lot of vendors. The best seller is Mike followed by Nick and Clive, in my opinion. (See elsewhere on The Tab for more information on this subject).

J is for Junction – Unless you’re the clued up kind, you’re probably unaware that we have a pretty good venue in town. Some of this term’s highlights include Alabama 3, Mr Scruff, Malcolm Middleton and The New York Dolls. Lee Mack’s doing a few nights as well.

K is for Kambar – Dark, dingy, and sporting an impressive inch of piss in the toilets: it’s almost perfect. To top it off, a double and mixer for only 3 quid! Weekly indie / rock nights at the weekends, but better are the student-run nights that happen occasionally. And if you fancy running your own night, just give the guy who runs it a ring.

L is for Locals, The – You’ll soon find that for some reason you don’t leave college (or Clare Cellars) after 11.30pm at the weekend. You’re probably better just going straight to bed, because this is when those unfortunate enough not to study at Cambridge are given permission to go outside and play. Welcome, fresher, to the university where interaction with normal people is impossible, partly due to the fact that we’re so frustratingly arrogant that we’re begging for a punch in the face. But mostly due to the fact that we’re just a bunch of socially-retarded pansies. That’s why we’re here.

M is for Mephedrone – This dirty, not-yet-illegal powder is going to hit Cambridge this term like that tsunami hit Indonesia five years ago. You’ll probably have a fun night, just make sure you stay away from nooses, bridges, and your copy of Unknown Pleasures the morning after. Sort of like sleeping with your soon to be ex-best friend.

N is for Nonsensical Essay Questions – Don’t worry, they’re not meant to make sense. The majority of your subject is bullshit anyway, so just go with the flow and join in this utter farce called academia.

O is for Overdraft – One thousand or so (basically) free pounds. It’s spending time.

P is for Poo – You won’t be taking one of these for a while. Welcome to the student diet.

Q is for Queasy – Oh fresher, surely by now you know that if you’re going to have the leftovers of your Sainsbury’s korma meal for breakfast, you need to reheat it more than 90 seconds. Usually the sweaty layer of curry skin is a sign that it needs a bit longer.

R is for ‘Reading’ (As in, ‘What are you..?’) – A synonym for ‘studying’, you’ll be asked this question approximately 150 times on your
first night in Cambridge – often by someone who asked you only two hours previously – and then repeatedly for the following days until someone sees you coming out of the Engineering Faculty, word spreads, and they finally make their own conclusions. Why we in Cambridge can’t just ask, ‘What subject do you do?’ remains a mystery to all and sundry.

S is for Saturday Morning Lectures – In the fresher’s guide you’ve got a gurning Natsci saying ‘oh, they’re really not that bad, they’re actually okay’. This is a lie. They’re not okay you grinning muppet, they’re disgusting, and by that measure you probably are too.

T is for Trockel Ulmann & Freunde – This place is great if you like a brutal, verbal kick to the teeth each time you order lunch. If you’ve never experienced express service before, you should make visiting a priority (it’s on Pembroke Street).

U is for Ugly – That one’s Churchill.

V is for Van of Life – Polish cuisine is great. I should know, I’m from North London. These guys fucking rock. Anyone that goes to the other trailer didn’t mean to.

W is for ‘Whatthefuck?’ – It’s the Corpus Christi clock. It’s apparently got something to do with the apocalypse and it cost a million pound. Got it? Good.

X is for…X – A big fat X for you fresher, because you’ve only gone and done something stupid and wrong.

Y is for Yacht – About 30% of the student population’s second car.

Z is for Zoom – The sound of a thief on your new bike, riding off into the distance. If you check Gumtree enough, I’m sure you’ll be able to buy it back.