Vote now: Who are the worst people in the JHB?

As deadlines approach, people are swiftly setting up camp in the JHB and you’re all starting to notice the people who make your life 10 times worse.

From the ones who bring their laptop and still have the cheek to take a computer, to the ones who park all their stuff then disappear for three hours, which one is actually the worst?

The table hogger

These insufferable students are generally found in the Forum. They will give you evils if you so even consider joining them on their seven-person table. Your best bet is to stare longingly at that big open space while you try to balance your laptop on your lap, while also trying to read three books at the same time.

The cougher

Why would you sit in the silent section of the library if you’re clearly suffering from ebola? Why? And why would you not have any tissues with you? Not that hearing you sniff is stopping me from concentrating or anything, but can you please fuck off home and sniffle from the comfort of your own bed.

The fresher

Oh, I’m sorry your 1,000 word essay is due in in two weeks, but would you mind leaving me to cry about my 5,000 word essay due in tomorrow?

The eater

There are only a few foods which are considered socially acceptable in the library, and all of these foods are ones which do not require any form of chewing or are soft enough to be silently bitten into to. It is never socially acceptable to take crisps into the library. Especially pickled onion Monster Munch. That is not cool.

The talker

Not that I’m not super interested in the very detailed account of your shag with Will from the flat next door, I came here to write my essay. Your cringe-worthy stressing about how he hasn’t text you yet really isn’t helping me develop a systematic argument for my upcoming essay.

The procrastinator

They’re the kind of person who makes their Snapchat story a library selfie, just so everyone knows they are doing work. Well, if catching up on MIC counts as work. They’ll buy countless vanilla lattes just so they can have a break in the queue without feeling guilty and they’ll probably make sure they stop to talk to Bethany (the girl you spent the first night of freshers with then never spoke to again).

That person who wears their gym kit

Not only are you motivated enough to make it up Headington Hill to the library, but you also made it to the gym? Stop making me feel guilty for my chubby legs and non-existent word count. I hate you. But I secretly want to be you.

The one who has their headphones too loud

It’s always the person who has the shittest music taste: think Fuzzies music with a bit of Disney musical thrown in. I could possibly begin to tolerate the muffled sound of the The Weeknd but not 2011 Bieber, sorry.

The invisible person

All your books, your laptop, and even your food are there but for some reason human life is nowhere to be seen. Where do they go? What do they do? And why the fuck do they do it?

The try-hard

It’s normally a fresher because by the time you’ve got to week nine of second year, you’ve probably given up on showering – let alone applying mascara. But apparently some people have time to contour before a long library sesh and think wearing heels to the library is perfectly normal.

You may look put-together and in control of your life, but I know the time you spent curling your eyelashes, I managed to write three words of my essay. So there.

The library couple

They think it’s sweet, looking lovingly into each other’s eyes every two seconds and joking very loudly about sex in the disabled toilet. But we all know they want to justify their new found relationship isn’t damaging their already slim chance at a first. Library and chill isn’t a thing and you’re making everyone else feel sick.

The sleeper

Thursday morning diss work is always struggle after a Fuzzies sesh the night before. We feel your pain. Top marks for trying.

The drama queen

They probably have a nose ring and a vintage Reebok hoodie on, possibly balayaged hair. You’ll find them sobbing into a chocolate creme frappe in the third floor silent room. They’ll tell you they’re having a breakdown, but in actual fact they’re just looking for attention. You’ll find them laughing about it all over cocktails at Be at One with Sarah the next day.

The gamers

Go home.