Tatler just released their guide to Bristol University and it’s actually quite tragic
They nailed Wills though
The scions of privilege over at Tatler have outdone themselves yet again, with their cringeworthy guide to Bristol University.
In an article last month, the magazine- so beloved of Harley Street waiting rooms and chinless wonders everywhere- gushed how the Russell Group mainstay was “one for serious funsters” in a dismal attempt to replicate the form and content of cult classic The Official Sloane Ranger Handbook.
Below is a list of Tatler's profound insights into our university, helpfully annotated by The Tab to reflect the reality of life at Bristol.
How to get in
"Apply for ancient history and switch to history."
Fool proof plan, works 100 per cent of the time. Not many people know this but most chemists, physicians and language students only got in via their love of Euripides and Gibbon.
"Maths is fiercely competitive."
Explosive revelation, this.
"Arts subjects are guaranteed not to interfere with your partying."
Do any subjects REALLY interfere with your partying that much? I mean it's not like English students are planning a 1pm coke n ket sesh whilst medics are sitting in lectures.
Where you want to live
"Stoke Bishop. Yes, it's a 20-minute bus ride out of town, but once you're there you won't want to leave. Chilled-out Churchill is like boarding school, but with nicer rooms and a big quad. Trendy Badock houses the hardcore party boys from Marlborough with their mullets and jumpers from Peru. Rahlly rah Wills, flanked by a fleet of Polos, is Bristol's answer to Durham's grand edifices. Recently revamped Hiatt Baker considers itself the kooky one – its Christmas Ball had live reindeer in attendance."
Trust me, by the end of first year most students all too eager to move out of Stokey B. Churchill's "nice rooms" may seem like a good bet now but god forbid you end up in the MPQR block, known informally as 'shanty town'. Most of the stereotypes here seem pretty accurate though- probably because they're the market Tatler caters to.
Where you don't
"Durdham, where 'chemists' cook up gawd knows what in bathtubs."
Ok, so no one does want to end up in 'Dulldham'. But frankly this Breaking Bad(ock) description makes it sound far more lively than it is.
Where to drink
"Knock back £1.60 vodka tonics at the Badock bar or brave the Cori Tap in Clifton, where the cider is so hairy they only serve it in halves."
By all means, enjoy the phenomena of swigging back vodka alone in a deserted hall bar.
Best night out
"Endless options. Bristol students rarely see sunlight. Bunker Mondays is a rite of passage (pre-load on £1 Jaegerbombs at Lola Lo). Motion (a skate park by day) is more ravey (ie, sweaty)."
If there are endless options, why did you HAVE to pick the most tragic? Bunker Mondays don't even exist anymore- #gonebutneverforgotten- whilst "sweaty" surely isn't the adjective most would use to describe the clientele at Motion…
"The massive ski trip – 1,500 people went last year. You can skip the 'lame' balls though."
What? You just praised the Hiatt Baker ball for having reindeer? Admittedly ball affairs are often more Black Books than Little Black Book but they're still decent affairs when done properly.
"Bristol is not for the sporty. The gym is for steaming the WKD out of one's system from the night before."
Some of the 70+ sports teams might beg to differ on this one. And whilst Tatler readers might be able to blow £200 on a uni gym pass for "steaming" your Durdham chemist bath tub will work just as well, dw.
Sadly Tatler's guide appears to have missed its mark, yet again. As Hilaire Belloc might well have said: "Like many of the upper class, their writing style is one of farce."