Which Mean Girls character is your Bristol fresher hall?
Stop trying to make Durdham happen, it’s NOT going to happen
Using the characters of our generation’s defining film, this handy guide will allow you to safely navigate the halls of Bristol Uni from the Queen Bees to the wannabees…..
Hiatt Baker – Cady Heron
You’ve just moved here and are desperately searching for your true identity. Fortunately, you’ve spent a lot of time in Africa, so can talk a lot about cultural appropriation and the fertility vase of the Ndebele tribe.
At first, you’ll desperately try to reinvent yourself to fit in with the ‘gap yahs’ of Wills and Churchill, convincing yourself they’re nice people before instead choosing to focus on your subject society and the hot guy from Goldney.
Wills – Regina George
Responsible for “personally victimizing” all the other halls, Wills is clearly the queen bee of Bristol accommodation. You’re the hall that everyone wants to be and don’t you know it, mostly because you’re really pretty.
With your Fendi purses, silver Lexus and spacious bedrooms (courtesy of rich but negligent parents), you typically spend your days going shopping, ruining people’s lives and trying to lose three pounds. Like Regina, Wills even once had its own ‘Burn Book’ scandal.
Churchill – Gretchen Wieners
Identifiable by your beautiful if vacant expression, you and other Churchillians tend to be both vacuous and self involved whilst somehow remaining inexplicably popular.
Forever hoping (and failing) to prove you’re not just richer clones of your Wills equivalents, like Gretchen you try to forge an identity through expensive clothes and a unique slang which, sadly, is “not going to happen.” You’ll likely comment on this article claiming that: “I’m sorry that people are so jealous of me but I can’t help it that I’m popular”.
Badock – Janis Ian
You used to be best friends with Wills, until you got rejected and they stole your choreography for Bunker Mondays. So now you spend your days plotting their downfall, whenever you’re not talking about crack or making out with Orchard Heights. Your baggy clothes and edgy piercings might make you appear aloof and unwelcoming but deep down you’ve got a loving, if slightly twisted, heart of gold.
Durdham – Karen Smith
You’re inoffensive and sweet but are usually overlooked by the other halls as you don’t have much going on upstairs (or anywhere else for that matter). Unlike Hiatt Baker, your lack of a ‘gap yah’ means Africa remains a mystery to you whilst you never go out because “Cough, I’m sick”. You’ll likely end up trying to get with your first cousin and doing UBTV weather reports in the pouring rain.
University Hall – Mrs George
Despite your outlandish claims to be a “cool hall not a regular hall”, all your peppiness and cosmetic changes can’t hide the fact you’re trying (and failing) to relive your glory days in the 1980s. This explains why you’re a big fan of daytime drinking and prefer to do it “in the house” as you never get out of Stoke Bishop. You’ll try to live vicariously through the drama of other halls but will end up being rejected and mocked behind your back. At least happy hour is from 4 to 6.
Clifton Hill House – Kylie George
You’re basically the little sister of Wills. You may seem cute and innocent now but after freshers you’ll turn into the “typical selfish, back-stabbing, slut-face, hoe bag” that your sister became. Although you love dancing and flashing your shirt, you’re likely to figure only as a peripheral character on the halls scene.
Goldney Hall – Aaron Samuels
You’re popular and gorgeous but actually a little bit dull. You’ll likely ending up causing a massive rift in Stokey B owing to your involvement in a love triangle with both Wills and Hiatt Baker. No one can really hate you as you throw decent parties and offer generous, if inadequate, subject support but ultimately the only reason you’re the favourite for Spring Fling King is the lack of any decent alternatives.
Unite House – Jason
You’re such a skeez. You’ll spend your time sharking freshers with chat up lines about catered food before ending up getting with that one Churchill girl with whom you have a ‘we’re not dating, we’re just friends honest’ deal. Equipped with a roving eye and mandatory branded jacket, you’ll likely join a UoB sports team and spend most of your time in Lounge.
Favell House – Caroline Kraft
You’re almost never seen on campus, perhaps due to your outfit which looks like it was “picked out by a blind Sunday school teacher.” Despite this you’re basically just as smart as any other hall in Bristol and DGAF what anyone else thinks.
Waverley – Miss Norbury
Full of “pushers”. Enough said.
Woodland Road – Glen Coco
“Four for you Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco!” Four will indeed by your lucky number at Woodland Road as that’s the number of total friends you’re going to be making in this five man house. Your location in the centre of the action means that you’re pretty insignificant overall and no one will actually have anything to say about you.
Orchard Heights – Kevin G
You think you’re the coolest kid in school with your Mathletes jackets and self catering, but everyone knows that you’d rather be fed a cooked breakfast by one of your ladiez every morning. You try really hard to fit in, picking up slang with the hope of “making love to a woman on the bathroom floor” but will mostly focus on the glory that comes with subject society success.
UWE – Crying Girl
“She doesn’t even go here!” Full of cake, smiles and rainbows when you first meet her, the UWE girl will quickly turn into a teary, emotional mess when it’s pointed out how far she’s wondered away from her natural habitat. Bless.
Colstan Hall – The Back Building
It burned down. #Neverforget