To all the boys of UoB, here are the UoB girls’ biggest icks

We asked UoB girls what gives them the ick… and the responses are perfect

Maybe it’s something legitimate that gives you that slight queasy feeling towards the one that could have been your future S.O, or something just plain offensive and irrational.

Either way, there’s nothing we can do about our own natural instincts.

So we asked UoB students what gave them the ick. Some are relatable beyond words, others… a little odd. But honestly, I think we all better start taking notes to improve our own dating lives.

When his place of study is the ground floor T&L

Don’t settle for that grimey ground floor where you can’t see campus spreading out below you in all its glory. I know you’re all exhausted students but spend that last bit of energy you have left in you getting up to study on a higher floor…

Him trying to go up the T&L stairs in one stride per step

…but be careful how you get up there. Those stairs are daunting to all of us, I know. Whoever designed them surely did it to cause as much confusion and stress as possible from such a simple task.

You have to understand that you can’t treat these stairs as normal stairs, no matter how tempting it may be. No one wants to see you lunging your way up to your study spot. Take a few extra steps for the sake of not looking like you’re warming up for the competitive hurdles. Please.

When he doesn’t wear a mask properly

I mean come on, it’s just common courtesy. We all want to take every excuse to study somewhere other than home. We’ve all stared at our own bedroom walls blankly for long enough. But there’s nothing worse than finally getting out and seeing that people seem to have forgotten we’re literally in a panorama right now. Safety first boys.

Sitting in one of those one person booths in the library

Not a good look. You want privacy? Silence? No one looking at you? Then why did you make the trek all the way to campus… You can’t give off main character vibes if you hide away like that.

When he moves across the room on a wheely chair

If you want to whizz around everywhere then rent an electric scooter. No one wants to see you having too much fun in the workplace. The same goes for spinning on chairs like these. Extremely unprofessional boys.

The boys who think they’re too good for Aldi

This one’s right up there with coming from Surrey and living in Chamberlain. No one thinks you’re cool if you trek all the way to a Waitrose just for the sake of flaunting your wealth. Be brave and let yourself be seen mingling with the common scum you’re so afraid of. 

Seeing him pull one of the long handled baskets in Aldi

Once you’re in there, make sure you can carry your entire weekly shop in two hands. You may need to cut down on a few snacks but it will be worth it to avoid the intense embarrassment of being seen tugging one of these things around with you. Once she’s seen you like that, there’s no going back.

His card not working trying to get into med school or the library and everyone behind getting agg

There truly is nothing more humiliating. When the line behind you is getting longer and longer and you can sense the passive aggressive sighs getting louder. Get that card out earlier so you can make that process as easy as possible. And whatever you do, don’t show your stress, they can sense it.

If he studies Chem Eng, they’re the worst

The STEM subject you picked just isn’t sexy enough. Either you should have gone with something mysterious and edgy like Art History, or at least picked Maths… If you’re gonna do STEM, you have to go the whole way.

The entire Sports Science department

Is it too late to consider a degree change? Turns out people care way more about the vibe your subject gives off than you would have thought. Either pick a better degree, or just lie about it at parties.

When he’s called Ben

Poor Ben. Not quite sure how this one came about, maybe a very specific personal experience? Sadly there are Bens everywhere, so you’ve ruled out quite a large proportion of the student population with this ick. Maybe try to convince Ben to let you call him something else if it really is such a deal breaker?

If he lives in Chamberlain

You can be rich, but not rich rich. Nothing screams privilege more than Chamberlain. If you’re looking to impress, maybe go for a nice middle ground like Mason or Bournbrook. Chamberlain is just too far.

When he takes a video from the top of Chamberlain tower

Sorry boys but it’s been done countless times before. You’re not special. Yes, the Vale is pretty from that high up. We know. We’ve all seen it. You don’t need to prove you have an eye for a good view. 

If he lives in Maple Bank oop

Not rich enough. You need a place fancy enough to invite people over, but not so fancy you look like you’ve inherited everything from a rich relative. It’s a fine line according to the girls of UoB.

Alton is the ick

You’re running out of acceptable places to live… It’s tricky I know. But you have to get that balance right. Alton’s just not the one.

You weren’t on The Vale in first year? Sorry hun

RIP to Selly Oak villagers. This one is just a fact though. No one wants to walk all that way to come and see you, and you’re missing out on all the first year culture if you’re way out there. Not living on The Vale makes you instantly an outsider. I don’t make the rules.

If Dixy’s is “too spicy”

Boys, you’ve gotta just grin and bear it. There’s nothing less sexy than a boy who can’t handle his spice. Yet again, rejecting fundamental Brum culture won’t get you very far, and when it comes to Dixy’s, you have to get it right.

When he gets on the train and his coat gets stuck in the door

This one is appalling to think about. I thought stuff like this only happened in movies. The idea of a boy actually managing to mess up getting through the train door at Uni station is enough to put anyone right off. Absolutely shocking.

If he prefers The S’Oak to The Goose

Sure there are pool tables, but the fun stops there. We all know The Goose is what’s good and if you’re going to claim otherwise, you’re just wrong boys.

If he’s from Surrey

Better start working on changing your heritage. The sheer volume of guys from Surrey is unbelievable. They’re everywhere. It’s like a plague of privilege and that classic Surrey voice seeping into every social event. Practically unavoidable.

If he doesn’t like Fab

Pure psychopath behaviour. To reject a part of Brum culture this massive is unforgivable. What next? You wince when you walk past Old Joe?

Boys looking for Fab tickets

You have to like Fab, but make sure it’s not TOO much. Some guys will go to great lengths to get their hands on some tickets to the point where it’s laughable. Or for some, a massive turn off.

When he gets under the shower but it’s too cold so he has to jump away

Gotta time it right boys. We know the water in uni accom is usually cold but no one wants to see you dancing about naked… Either wait for the water to warm up properly or jump under it straight away and hide the pain…

The thought of him laying out his outfit for the next day

Better start picking your fits out at random boys. Picturing him taking out his t-shirt and folding his jeans neatly on his chair definitely gives us the ick. And the idea of him picking out his socks and placing his shoes neatly by the door is enough to make me sick to the stomach. Where’s the spontaneity, the fun?

When he gets the words wrong in a song

Scrap uni work, get studying those lyrics. Either learn it properly, or don’t sing along at all. We don’t want to have to experience that second hand embarrassment when you stumble over your words and look around apologetically, or worse, pretend it didn’t happen at all.

Boys who like every single meme post on insta

Get a deeper sense of humour boys. You can laugh at a meme privately but to publicly announce that you understood the joke is just sad. Nothing worse than seeing a cringe meme and then looking below and seeing “liked by” the boy you thought was cool.

Wearing player layer when not doing sport

Turns out wearing player layer is a no no for a lot of gals. “The red player layer 1/4 when not playing sport” is a very specific version of the same thing, and others can’t deal with him wearing it AT ALL. “If he wears the red mid layer naaa get out” say the UoB queens.

Voice notes like shut up and just text

If you want to talk to her, then call her. No girl wants to have to pause her Netflix or leave a room with people just to listen to you rambling and repeating yourself for 46 seconds. If all you use to communicate are voice notes, she’s going to start questioning whether you even know how to type.

People who have a list of “icks”

This one hurts. Maybe the real ick is people who get offended by other people’s icks. It’s all harmless fun, and I think the boys have learnt a lot today.

Big thanks to the lovely boys that featured in this article you def aren’t icky!

Related stories recommended by this writer:

• UoB First Dates hosted by Carnival RAG is back

• The top ten things UoB students can do to stay motivated this semester

• UoB students reveal Selly’s worst neighbours in lockdown