The best places to cry on campus

Thank God week five is over – notorious for being the worst week of spring semester.  It’s the week where you realise that it’s probably time to get some work done; tutors have just released your essay questions and it’s also time to get those dreaded results back from last semester’s assignments.  And now as an added bonus, we’ve just been though the hell of Valentine’s Day. It sucks, and for some of us it’s getting too much.

But we at The Tab acknowledge this difficult time and know that sometimes the only way to deal with the disappointment of an impending 2:2 is a good old-fashioned cry.  So if you can’t make it home before being overwhelmed with the waterworks, behold our guide to the best places to cry on campus.

Beneath Old Joe

Get the full Birmingham uni experience by crying over sub-standard results under our campus icon.  Chances are you’ll go unnoticed as most students fear the curse of the clock tower too much to go anywhere near it, and hey you can use this as your excuse for your poor marks.  Old Joe has a friendly, fatherly vibe- whilst he’s too large to wipe your tears, if you properly get beneath him it’ll almost be like he’s giving you a giant hug.  He’ll also let you know when it’s time to get a grip.  If you hear more than two dongs whilst wallowing in self pity, that’s probably enough and you’ll know it’s time to pull yourself together.

The back stairs in the arts building

These rarely frequented stairs in the arts building will offer you privacy but also incredible acoustics for some dramatic sobbing, for those of us who like to dabble in histrionics without being suspected of seeking attention.  Undoubtedly someone will hear you and come to offer some moral support, and you can feign shock and embarrassment, saying you thought you’d found a spot you could be alone before unloading all of your woes on your unsuspecting agony aunt.

Muirhead loos

The Muirhead toilets offer the classic crying-spot.  Crying in toilets is never cute, but it’s a rite of passage for students and of all the loos on campus these are your best option.  As a self contained bathroom in totally neutral territory, no one will have any hope of guessing your identity and your groans will be muffled if you’d rather a quick weep under the radar.  Your own personal mirror will let you assess whether or not you’re an ugly crier and means there’ll be no chance of you returning to civilisation unaware of your red, puffy eyes or that long line of mascara down your cheek.

The Music Practice Rooms

This is no place for the muffled weep.  Only come here if you practically scream when you cry. Don’t hold back otherwise you can’t pass it off as an interpretive composition you’ve been working on in your free time.  You’re not crying, you’re singing, can’t people tell?  You can make up some back story about it being based on a classical tale of love and loss and your piece focuses on a moment of extreme grief.  No one needs to know it’s yours.

Your best bet though?  If you can hold it in, just go home.  Put the kettle on, get into bed and binge watch some Netflix until this week is over.