A petty little week one ranking of the entire The Traitors series two cast

The Traitors is back, and three episodes in any fears of it not being as good as the cultural juggernaut that was season one have quickly been extinguished. The cast are already popping off and causing mayhem, and The Winkleman is on equally as great form, camping it up in Scotland, serving looks and fringe. Here’s my petty little ranking of everyone from the first Traitors eps we’ve seen so far – but don’t worry, if you’ve not watched episode three yet nothing will be spoiled. Let’s goooo!

22. Charlie

I am sorry to say, but I’m absolutely BORED SHITLESS.

21. Evie

At this point, Charlie and Evie are the exact same person to me. Cannot differentiate.

20. Meg

So far in the game, Meg’s only personality trait we’ve been told about and the she self declared is that she’s “quiet”. We are making a TV show people! Let’s up the ante!

19. Mollie

Another one of the girlies who’s just blending into the background right now. I promise you this will be the only tedious part of this The Traitors series two ranking – it gets juicier from here. It just has to.

18. Anthony

If you barge my Diane out of the way in a line, rest assured you will not be doing well in this ranking. That is how we do things here. Side note – chess coach? Where’s the strategy!? Are the skills only limited to the checkered board?

17. Andrew

The shirt he wore in last night’s episode would be all the reasoning I need if I was a Traitor to make sure he got the kiss of death from me come nightfall. A harrower.

16. Miles

Go girl, give us nothing! An utterly boring choice of Traitor from the ones who were chosen by The Winkleman. We all wanted Diane, we got Miles. Not ruthless, not a good gameplayer – just a bit of a letdown. Needs to swiftly step it up and cause some carnage, methinks.

15. Aubrey

A cat called Luther Vandross and an envious collection of jaunty hats: Aubrey had the potential to have it all. Until his crime was being popular and clever and the Traitors bumped him off first, so at 15 he stays on this series two ranking. I fear we’ve been robbed of an icon with this one.

14. Kyra

Another robbed icon who never quite gave us the great telly she could have if she was dealt a different hand. She should have been a Traitor, I think. Huge vibes.

13. Ash

A shit Traitor but in the best way. She’s so bad at it. The fact Sonja just woke up and declared her a Traitor on the first morning at breakfast over a bit of melon. She doesn’t stand a chance but it’s comedy gold.

12. Jasmine

I get finalist vibes from Jasmine. I can see her low key dominating the game. The exact kind of person you’d want on your side if you were a Faithful.

11. Sonja

The Jackie Weaver energy is beyond belief. Correctly declared Ash was a Traitor as a chunk of melon looked on and got the boot for it. RIP queen.

10. Brian

Not to spoil anything for those who haven’t watched episode three, but his carry on is one of the funniest and most ridiculous things I have ever seen on TV. Should be taught in schools as a masterclass in what not to do if you ever play a game. Hopeless, but seems a nice fella.

9. Tracey

If you come onto a TV show where you succeed on being right and declare you’re a clairvoyant and the spirit world is going to help you win it, you’re an icon. I don’t make the rules. Can’t wait for her to be deliciously wrong. I need it.

8. Ross

An interesting character and one who I feel people should watch out for. Definitely going to be a good game player. Early days of course but feel like he doesn’t miss a trick.

7. Zak

Zak is just what the show needs: A windup merchant. I love it. In there to cause chaos and be a slippery little fella. Inject it. Will probably get voted off for being too suspicious but it will be fun whilst it lasts.

6. Harry

His smug, teeth licking face when he got his wish and was chosen as a Traitor knocked the nation sick – but he’s a character. I love characters. I love giddy, little players who are either going to smash it or slip up. Diane has his number marked, but is also his mate. I think he’s going to be a threat until he inevitably puts his foot in it. He needs to keep Paul on side.

5. Jaz

Jaz is one of those Faithfuls who is just coming across like a really nice guy. I know he’s got a few players suspicious of him but I think he’s going to go quite far.

4. Jonny

LOVE Jonny. The perfect Faithful. Clever, switched on, friendly, well liked without being a big overbearing character. If I was a Traitor I’d be nervous. This has absolutely nothing to do with the fact I fancy him. Promise.

3. Paul

Kind of the perfect Traitor. Could win the whole thing. Clever, willing to fuck even his own side over and has managed to completely become trusted by all the Faithfuls. I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending. Hopefully he’s learned from Wilf’s flustered mistakes because this is Wilfred 2.0 but better. Uh oh!

2. Charlotte

I have a really good feeling about Charlotte. Look at her promo pic. This is a woman who means business. I need her to get all the way to the final and win it for the Faithfuls. My dream team is Diane, Jonny and Charlotte against the world with a bit of Jasmine thrown in for good measure. A wildcard choice for number two but I have a good feeling.

1. Diane

Um, so there’s this mother… We all know once a TV show series starts the gays and Twitter select one middle aged woman to stan unequivocally. Diane is that woman. And not only that, she’s spent three episodes proving exactly why we made the right choice. Astute, savage, blunt and petty – this queen is TV gold and I will be supporting every endeavour she takes for the foreseeable. How can you not worship the ground that bob walks on? Nobody else would I ever be ranking at the top of The Traitors series two cast.

The Traitors UK series two continues on BBC and iPlayer at 9pm tonight. For more like this ranking of The Traitors series two cast and the best music, reality TV and entertainment news, like Pop Culture Shrine on Facebook. 

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