I tried to find the pengest munch in George Square

I hate the Picnic Basket. Sue me. It’s a terrible place for someone as gluttonous and indecisive as myself. I walk in repeating to myself the mantra ‘hummus and mayonnaise do not go together. Hummus and mayonnaise do not go. Together.’ (Confucius). I labour over my toppings at the counter. The amount of choice is simply overwhelming and a queue steadily forms behind me.

I know it is time for change – there must be more to life than the Picnic Basket. Struck by such profundity, my mind wanders to other options. I think of those strange food boxes around George Square which we walk past every day without a second glance. So, I decided to sample a different food box on each day of the week in a noble quest to discover, in the fine words of the chicken connoisseur, the pengest munch in George Square.

MONDAY –  The Salad Box, opposite DHT

Start the week right, right? Wrong, the salad on offer looked like rabbit food so I opted for the wrap.

It contains these patties they describe so enticingly as ‘egg, spinach and parsley’. Parsley is in my opinion the devil’s work but they were surprisingly delicious and not all dry and porous- the downfall of many a wrap. They are also very well sized. I like a well sized wrap. My one qualm was that I paid 50p extra for halloumi and they only gave me two sorry pieces. Make of that what you will.

Price – £4.50

Rating – 3.8/5

TUESDAY – The Raclette place, Meadows corner

You might think that these two boxes only sell coffee but they have an inconspicuous menu offering raclette with a variety of toppings. There’s a huge wheel of cheese which the charming man melts under a brazier and then spreads onto toasted sourdough.

I had mine with cornichons and relish. It was pissing with rain and the rich, crunchy, glorified grilled cheese sandwich brought that warm smug feeling you get when someone gives you a free VK in Potterrow on your birthday.

Price – £4.50

Rating – 4.3/5

WEDNESDAY – The Pizza Box, opposite DHT

I was somewhat sceptical about this place. Why does it have such an ominous lack of customers despite churning out the holy trinity of student living: pizza, drum, and bass? Turns out the only thing filthier than their bass is, in fact, their base.

The pizza base is pre-made, resulting in an odd texture which forms a bolus of discontent in your mouth. This sad slab is topped with tomato sauce that tastes like it’s straight from a tin, *grated* mozzarella (tasteless in every sense of the word) and toppings at 50p extra. I paid 50p for some pesto. See also: I paid 50p for what I would compare to oily grit which permeated through the entire pizza.

If you are the type of person who buys unsalted butter, has a preference for low fat yoghurt and eats things like quorn and cardboard, then I’m sure you’ll love the Pizza Box.

Price – £3.50 plus 50p per topping

Rating – 1.362/5

THURSDAY – Union of Genius, opposite Chrystal MacMillan building

Union is the green truck which always smells good and offers a range of artisan soups. Needless to say, the clientele is a very particular side of Edinburgh. I once overheard a girl say to her friend ‘can we just go to Union for lunch? I’m budgeting.’ As for the rest of us, it’s hard not to feel like a bit of a knob forking out a fiver for a soup.  It comes in a mean looking portion and suffice to say it isn’t exactly an oil painting.

However, it was really very good and surprisingly filling. For 20p extra you can get bread which comes in wanky flavours like olive and poppyseed which, I concede, is rather nice. All in all it’s a nice option if you want something a bit homely and are, of course, ‘budgeting’.

Price – £4.00 plus 20p for bread

Rating – 3.9/5

FRIDAY – On the Roll

Friday feeling! TGIF! I thought I would celebrate the end of the week with a taste of ‘Germany’s finest bratwurst’. Right here in Edinburgh! The chances! The vendor was very sweet and assembled my bratwurst with the meticulous air of a man much taken with his art.

Although he didn’t put in enough onions. He may have been looking out for the people around me in my next lecture, but I was disgruntled. On the whole it was nothing to write home about. The sausage was decent, the sauerkraut was nice and tangy, but the onions, sparse as they were, were all flaccid and flavourless. They’d be better off sliced thinner and fried crispier. Also the buns were that anaemic processed kind which you have to slather in condiments.

Unfortunately, the artistic zig zags of ketchup which the vendor had applied with such finesse did not suffice. It all tasted a bit JMCC to be quite frank(furter).

Price -£3.80

Rating – 2.9/5

And so my week drew to a close. I felt lighter in pocket, heavier in heart, and weight, thinking that perhaps I should give the Picnic Basket another shot.