VOTE: What’s the worst club in Warwick?

Let’s decide this once and for all then never go there again


Despite Smack being ranked as the 8th best club in the world, Warwick isn’t known for its underground nightlife scene. But which club is officially our worst?

Smack

A sea of sweat and confusion

A sea of sweat and confusion

It’s cramped, it’s hot, and the music is definitely not worth being traumatised by the bouncers on the way in. The one upside is that they don’t ask you to pay further entry after buying a queue jump (I’m looking at you Neon), but this lonely positive is weighed out by the ridiculous queue even once you’re inside the club. A minimum half hour wait to get into a sweaty dungeon of shitey music? No thanks.

Neon

Don't believe the hype

Don’t believe the hype

Every night I’ve been to Neon it’s been the same – sweaty, crowded and shit. Whether it’s the entrance, cloakroom or ladies’ toilet, you spend half of your night queuing. As soon as you enter the club, and enter the first room/bar, a wave of heat hits you. The motivational post-break up type of music will have you wanting to go into the main room, but the super sticky floors will slow you down. You enter the main room, you get pushed and shoved to the point where you lose all your friends, so you have to climb those three stairs at the back and try see where everyone is, all whilst listening to crappy chart music from 2006. Losing all hope, you go upstairs and get stuck between people whining and grinding everywhere. Eventually you’ll get that text that your mates have already left.

The Assembly Rooms

What's with the high ceiling

What’s with the high ceiling

The Assembly Rooms are so big the chance of even seeing anyone you know is completely out of the question. The music is always beyond boring and no matter how many different nights they try to promote – Switch, Back2Back, whatever the hell the next one is – it will just never appeal.

POP

Pretending like Simon & Garfunkel are still cool

Pretending like Simon & Garfunkel are still cool

Are you on the pull? If no, don’t go to Pop. All that happens is you find yourself being flung from one group of rugby lads to another like you’re trapped in a horrendously sweaty pinball machine. Then to your left you’ve got couples who only just met passionately getting off to the cha-cha slide and on your right another couple are blatantly doing some foreplay on the dancefloor. Pop is where horny students go to hunt and frankly, it’s grim. The music is awful: there’s a reason why S Club 7 isn’t famous anymore and Cotton-Eyed-Joe is not a song I ever want to listen to again. The only thing that redeems Pop is circling. But if you hadn’t downed six pints of purple before going there is no way anyone would enjoy Pop at all.

Kasbah

Kasbah isn’t a club; it’s a utopian paradise. 80p shots, £1 jaeger bombs and appearances from the Chuckle Brothers fuel a night of unbridled hedonism. But some evil people take issue with cheap fun, hence its place on this list.

Your flat party

Who's gonna clean this up tomorrow

Who’s gonna clean this up tomorrow

You might be impressed with your oversized speakers and that ball of light you bought for £10 from Tiger, but trust me when I say that this is going to be the worst experience for you (unless you’re thick enough to ignore your pissed off block-mates). First off: the people. House parties mean unregulated entry. In Leamington, you get your healthy selection of local alcoholics and homeless people. On campus, you’re restricted to freshers who haven’t worked out where the bus stop is. Organisers will be dealing with awkward handshakes, random fights and maybe a stolen PS4.

Like Kelsey’s, you’ll also be dealing with people shamelessly asking you for your precious drink because they conveniently forgot to BYOB. Like Kelsey’s you’ll also be dealing with lukewarm alcohol because it’s warm inside and there’s probably no space in the freezer. There’ll always be too little booze and too many people, and you’ll be too sober to have fun. It’s a curse. Oh, and then there’s the cleaning up.

Vote for your nightmare night-out here.