Exclusive: We Interview Muhammad Ali

An exclusive interview with Muhammad Ali reveals his frustration with uninspired SU politics, a CV fit for Goldman Sachs and a love for Notorious Mondays.

Strutting across the Piazza, clad in a gaudy blazer straight out of Neil Strauss’ ‘The Game’ and sporting a schoolboy’s grin, Ali took a minute out of peacocking his way to presidential success to chat to the Tab.

Vote Ali?

Widely known as the Fresh Prince of Pakistan, the underdog in this feral election;  marred by sexism scandals, smear campaigns and Libor-esque corruption, was refreshingly hospitable.

He was quick to passionately outline his policies: ‘I will tackle hidden course costs, pursue the professionalization of our sports clubs and battle for lower food prices on campus.’ He was visibly angered that ‘if we walk 10 minutes from campus we can get much cheaper food. We can get much cheaper baguettes.’ He wants a ‘not-for-profit student run food outlet on campus.

Did someone say £1 baguettes?

A national treasure in his home country of Pakistan, Ali also told the Tab, ‘I run a charity which provides education to 150 children in the Islamabad slums.’ Such industry overshadows the weariness of current Sabbs; many of whom will run again despite suffering stress related illnesses ranging from migraines to male pattern baldness and in one extreme case; erectile disfunction.

His main competition, Ben ‘add a friend’ Frew has gained popularity promising to ensure a £100 dowry for new students to help cover hidden costs. However, Ali responds ‘his policy just gives a fixed sum to every student whereas by putting core textbooks online, I’d save them on average £250 pounds’.

Boasting fashionable stubble and a chiselled jawline, and often described by fellow Pakistanis as their ‘nation’s sweetheart’, he was keen to cast himself as an alternative to ‘someone who has grown up in stagnant SU politics’. He argued, ‘as an underdog I represent a greater population of Warwick students than those who claim to be BNOCs.’

In contrary to the widespread dismissals of his campaign by campus media, labelling him as ‘out of touch’ and ‘a bit of a square’, Ali was keen to show the Tab his more human side in a quick fire round of questions.

Q: Smack or Evolve?

A: Right now I want to go to Evolve.

Q: Jagerbomb or Voddy Bull?

A: Vodka Redbull… probably.

Q: Pop! or Top B?

A: Top B doesn’t even exist!

Q: Uni or Unay?

A: Sorry?

Q: What comparisons would you draw between yourself and your namesake?

A: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. At the moment I’m just floating, people haven’t seen me stinging and I don’t want to do that; I don’t want to get into that position.

Ali’s sting face…

Are his policies really feasible?

According to the self-proclaimed Greatest, ‘I’ve got some punches. I’m not going to walk like Mummys, I’m going to walk like a boxer.’

Only time will tell.