I took a girl to see 50 shades for our first date

Valentine’s Day was looming and I didn’t have any plans. I matched with a girl on Tinder a few weeks ago, so I thought why not make her day.

I decided it would be great fun to take a first date to watch two hours of soft-core porn on the big screen.

I opened our conversation with a classic chat up line.

“Do you like Adele?”

“Yeah, Sure. Why?”

“Because tonight you’ll be rolling in the D.”

Of course, chat-up lines are everyone’s forte. Anyone can do them but I still managed to blag myself a date. Initially, I pushed forward the idea of seeing 50 Shades as a joke. Once she took me up on the offer, there was no backing out.

I was torn between being a cheapskate and taking her to the Savoy or the slightly more expensive Cineworld. Being the romantic that I am I thought a couple more quid can’t hurt.

We met at Cineworld and exchanged pleasantries. You know, the usual “how are you? You look nice,” all that jazz.

I took her inside, went to the counter and blushed as I asked the cashier for two student tickets to see the much speculated screening.

Before the film had even started there was a pretty steamy Durex advert, which gave me a taste of the full 50 shades experience.

I’m not going to lie, the first 30-40 minutes are pretty drab. They were so dull that I was tempted to leave my seat, go down stairs and pot a few holes in The Lost City Adventure Golf.

On the topic of holes, I stuck it out for the juicy bits. It was an uncomfortable experience watching people get sensually whipped and chained with a crowd of strangers around you. However, I felt that it was going to be a great bonding experience.

I couldn’t help but notice how sexually sensitive Anastasia Steele was throughout the film. All it took was the brush of a feather and she was aroused to a level that I could only imagine reaching on the highest strand of Viagra.

I mean whatever she’s on, I want some of it. To begin with I had my head in my hands over the sexy scenes but then it all got a bit weird. Me and my date kept making eye contact, I didn’t want to be there, she didn’t want to be there. I had made a bad decision.

The credits started rolling and my date turned to me and said: “My favourite part was when he sniffed her underwear”. Upon hearing this I started to question why I’d taken someone to see 50 Shades for a first date.

To be honest, I didn’t really enjoy the film. I mean, if that’s your thing, I’m sure there are thousands if not millions of hours of that shit online.

My date on the other hand thoroughly enjoyed it. I didn’t really know how to take that so I decided to call it a day and head off to watch the rugby with the boys.

It turns out you really learn a lot about the people when you take them to see a 125 minute roller coaster of Steele, seduction and sex.