Student Sex at Sussex Surprisingly Shit

Student sex. Disappointing, completely forgettable and not as frequent as everybody says so. I should probably make it clear here that I’m talking about one-night stands that usually happen on the single beds in East Slope at 4 in the morning in an unsexy blur of alcohol and ketamine.

Couldn’t leave quick enough

Before arriving in Sussex I had heard that the halls were dingy, the parties fun and the whole thing rather incestuous. Everyone gets with everyone kind of thing. There were rules as well; don’t sleep with someone you live with, don’t sleep with someone on your course and of course, use a condom, because it’s not for fun that Sussex medical centre has Chlamydia tests in the bucket-load (literally, they’re in buckets on the floor) before you even get through to the reception.

It’s not what it looks like

But, to be honest, I’m not sure that everyone is having as much sex as they thought they would. Okay sure there are people having “things” as we like to call them, and there are even those mental cases who have got themselves into relationships, but in terms of the promised land of one-night stands and multiple shags from multiple people, I feel a little let down. There’s been a bit of action, but like I said before, nothing very exciting, and not particularly memorable, both being down to the good ol’ vodka-horse tranquilizer combo that I find usually works so well for my mobility…

This is exactly what it looks like

Maybe though, it’s just me. Maybe everyone else is enjoying boundless amounts of thrilling and fulfilling student sex, but somehow, I don’t think so. The walls here are pretty thin and although I’m occasionally treated to the sounds of bed-wall-banging, muted panting and badly covered up sex noises for a good 6-7 minutes, its much more likely that I instead end up hearing an especially gruesome episode of Breaking Bad coming from my neighbours in the middle of the night.