Who is the bravest of our brave English boys?
Sir Harry Kane is a brave English boy
How brave do you think I am? Do you think I'm confidently walking up to a girl in a bar and not coming across as Dr. Alex from Love Island? You better believe I'm coming across as Dr. Alex from Love Island, all red and sweaty and awkward to a point where my awkwardness is passed the level of awkwardness that is cute, and is now straying into Mum's basement level of awkwardness.
Do you think I'm running into a burning building to save a trapped baby? Probably not, because my levels of awkwardness would probably suggest that I started that fire. Do you think I'm wearing anything other than black jeans all year round, even in this heat? Am I fuck.
So now we've established that I am neither brave nor wearing blue jeans, I think it's the perfect opportunity for me to discuss the bravery of others – for instance the England football team, our brave English boys.
Jordan Pickford is 100% brave. Jordan Pickford is one brave boy. Jordan Pickford is facing down big, well organised, impressively blonde and blue eyed Swedes and he's thinking, "Do I give a fuck?" No, Jordan, you do not give a fuck, you brave English boy.
Kyle Walker has an air about him that screams 'bartender in a cocktail bar'. Kyle Walker does not care about you or anyone. You want a bloody mojito? He will look at you with disdain. He sighs. He deals with your kind of shit every night. He is sick of this shit. He is brave, but only because you make him brave.
Danny Rose loves football. This is his dream. He's representing his country at the highest level, they're doing the nation proud. Yet Danny Rose is stuck behind Ashley Young. A bird shat in Ashley Young's mouth. Danny Rose is thinking, "Do I have to have a bird shit in my mouth?" Yes, Danny, you must, Leighton Baines did it too – this is the curse of the English left back.
Eric Dier is only brave at times when Dele Alli is nearby. I am fully invested in the idea that Eric Dier does things only to impress Dele Alli. "If Dele told you to jump off a cliff would you do it?" Gareth Southgate is asking Eric Dier, not angrily, but disappointed. Eric Dier squirms, he knows he would do anything Dele asked. "No," he lies. Thus Eric Dier is both the bravest and least bravest member of the squad, and only when he admits his love for Dele Alli will he truly be a brave English boy.
John Stones reminds me of Rio Wellard from Tracy Beaker, so the answer to this is no, John Stones is not brave. Especially if you steal his Maroon 5 CD. "Who's got my Maroon 5 CD?" he's walking around the team hotel asking. Alli and Dier are in the corner, sniggering.
Look at the size of Harry Maguire's forehead – imagine that man walking up to you, all angry and full of rage. Harry Maguire has no need to be brave because Harry Maguire's forehead does the talking for him.
"Did Dele Alli say he was brave?" asks Jesse Lingard. You explain that that's not how this article works, that you're merely making hypothetical assumptions for the basis of comedy. Jesse Lingard is looking at you, his left eye twitches. "What did Marcus Rashford say?"
Jordan Henderson is a brave boy but only because his Mum tells him he is a brave boy.
"Mum, am I as good as Steven Gerrard?" Jordan Henderson is asking his Mum. "Of course you are, my brave little soldier", Jordan Henderson's Mum tells him, "Now eat your greens or you won't grow big and strong".
Harry Kane was one of the Knights of the Round Table. Harry Kane goes into supermarkets and actively chooses to be served by a human being rather than going to the self service checkouts. Harry Kane is confidently standing in front of the class and playing a very slow rendition of 'Smoke on the Water'. Harry Kane is hosting a party at his house and has no irrational fears about no one turning up.
There are levels of bravery here, with one being the lowest and five being the highest:
1. Racists online
2. Me when faced with any sort of social situation
3. Adults who say they're going for a 'poo'
5. Harry Kane
Harry Kane is one brave English boy.
Raheem Sterling has been winding up Piers Morgan for years. Not exactly brave, but he deserves our respect regardless.
Jamie Vardy loves it, doesn't he? Jamie Vardy went on James Corden's US chat show and did a cowboy impersonation. Did he give a fuck? No. Does he like James Corden? Fuck no, no one likes James Corden. Does Jamie Vardy give a shit about anything? Probably not. Is Jamie Vardy brave? I doubt it.
Kieran Trippier reminds me of every single person I went to school with who joined the army, so yeah I guess he must be pretty brave.
Jack Butland seems like a nice guy, but he's no Jordan Pickford. He may well be brave, sure, he's lived in Stoke for long enough, but he's no Jordan Pickford. When Pickford saved that penalty against Colombia you just know Jack Butland was sat there, fuming. But he put on a brave face. A brave face for the rest of the brave English boys. He spent years in the shadow of Joe Hart, and now he's in the shadow of Jordan Pickford. Jack Butland should've had that Head and Shoulders sponsorship. It should've been Jack.
Remember when Theo Walcott managed to sniff around the England squad for years despite never actually doing anything? Well now we have Danny Welbeck. 0/10 for bravery, 10/10 for the pure cheek of it.
Gary Cahill is your Dad, your Dad telling you "it'll have to come off" when you hurt your leg, your Dad spending his Sundays in the garden shed, your Dad sitting in the car listening to Britpop on BBC Radio 6Music whilst you play football in the pouring rain. Your Dad has had his fill of bravery, now he just wants some peace and bloody quiet.
Phil Jones, of course, played Neville Longbottom in the original few Harry Potter films before the handsome and trim Matthew Lewis took over with his handsome and trim face and his handsome and trim sword weilding abilities. It's kind of a good thing that Phil Jones was replaced in Harry Potter, can you imagine him standing up to former England brave boy Jonjo Shelvey at the end of The Deathly Hallows like Matthew Lewis does? Of course you can't – Phil Jones is 0% brave.
"Pep made me brave", Fabian Delph is saying, "Pep says I'm brave". Fabian Delph moved to Manchester City knowing that he'd always be a poor man's Fernandinho and everyone back at Aston Villa would hate him. Is that true bravery? I think so.
A bird shat in Ashley Young's mouth and somehow he's not buckled under the pure fact of that. I called the referee 'Mam' when I was a kid and I struggled with the embarrassment of that for the rest of my playing career. Ashley Young is 100% the bravest English boy.
Marcus Rashford has been managed by Jose Mourinho and Louis Van Gaal in his relatively short career. They're not exactly father figures, are they? You better believe Marcus Rashford has had to put on a brave face before.
Dele Alli is our generation's Rio Ferdinand in that he is absolutely going around the camp pulling pranks, shouting "YOU'VE BEEN MERKED" and high fiving Eric Dier. Nobody wants to share a room with Dele Alli because all he does is put itching powder in your shorts and shout "come back to bed sexy" when you're on the phone home. Gareth Southgate has lost control of Dele Alli, he's gone rogue like Tom Cruise in every single Mission: Impossible film.
If Dele Alli does this to Harry Maguire's forehead he is the bravest boy of all.
Imagine being at school and your name being Ruben. Of course Ruben Loftus-Cheek is a brave boy. He had to be brave. He was born in the bravery, moulded by it. You better believe someone at Ruben Loftus-Cheek's probably a little bit posh and possibly even public school called him Ruben Loftus-Bum-Cheek once. Poor guy.
Never trust a man with two first names, so you should absolutely not trust Trent Alexander-Arnold. That's three first names. Three. You should absolutely not trust TAA. Is he brave? Honestly I have no idea. I'm scared shitless of the guy. If anything I'd be the brave one for trying to find out.
Nick Pope is a brave boy and I'm only assuming that because I know absolutely nothing about Nick Pope.