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Here’s a prediction of what each new Arctic Monkeys song will sound like based on their titles

‘The Ultracheese’ will be about brie, because brie is the ultracheese


Ladies and gentlemen, [Alex Turner voice] ladies and gentlemen, get your Brylcreem out, don your leather jacket, and talk like a fucking cowboy for no reason at all because Arctic Monkeys are back and they’re releasing a new album.

It’s been five years since the release of their previous effort, AM, and now Sheffield’s biggest export, aside from Henderson’s Relish and Sean Bean’s uncanny ability to die in everything he stars in, are releasing their sixth studio album, Tranquility Base Hotel and Casino.

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With this in mind, there’s only one thing left to do – wildly speculate on the album tracklist to try and decipher what each song may sound like based on their utterly ridiculous track names, because I wouldn’t be a journalist if it wasn’t for my love of wild speculation.

Star Treatment

Judging by previous album openers, this song could either be very loud ("The View From the Afternoon", "Brianstorm"), like your flatmate loudly having sex in the room adjacent to yours whilst you sit alone, quietly not having sex; or it will be very slow and seductive ("My Propeller", "She’s Thunderstorms", "Do I Wanna Know?"), like your flatmate having slow and seductive sex in the room adjacent to yours whilst you sit alone, quietly not having sex.

One Point Perspective

Judging by the title, I can only imagine this song will be about Facebook comments on any post even remotely political. You can just imagine Alex Turner saying mid-gig, “This one goes out to your racist Uncle, who you really want to call out on his racist bullshit but you know he’ll just call you a snowflake and taunt you for being young and even mildly supporting Jeremy Corbyn ”, whilst a lad with a can of dark fruits sets off a flare. You can just see that happening, can’t you? It’s bound to happen.

American Sports

In retaliation to their critics who have complained that, since moving to LA and breaking America (before Donald Trump broke it further), Arctic Monkeys have ditched their working class Yorkshire roots in favour of acting like Elvis impersonators.

This song will be about how American sports are bad and how much they love Sheffield Wednesday. Expect lyrics to swoon over drinking low ABV pints with the lads on away days and their love of scrapping with the local firm, Green Street style. "Top weekend with the boys [100 emoji]".

Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino

I predict the title track will be a series of TripAdvisor reviews set to elevator music, read by Alex Turner like spoken word poetry, interspersed with clips from Channel 4’s Four in a Bed and Fawlty Towers.

Golden Trunks

A song? About? I don’t know? Underwear? On a woman? That is quite sexual? Probably.

Four Out Of Five

Four Out of Five can only be referring to the number of albums Arctic Monkeys have released (five) and how many of them are good (four), because as we know, Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not is a bad album and arguably their worst to date. Right, lads?!…

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The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip

Remember when AM was first announced and we all looked at the song "No. 1 Party Anthem" with bemusement? What could it be about? Will it be a party anthem? Will it just be a cover of "Mr Brightside"? No, it was a slow jam.

"The World’s First Ever Monster Truck Front Flip" will be a slow jam, as if saying the title out loud alone isn't a slow jam in itself. It’ll be slow jam with some lovely John Cooper Clarke-poetic wordplay from Sheriff Turner, with the monster truck in question probably being a metaphor for his heart and the front flip referring to the first time he saw a girl or something. I don’t know, it’s not like I study literature and pay £9000 a year to analyse this kind of shit.

Science Fiction

A song based on the Doctor Who sub-Reddit, with lyrics such as:

“Why’d they have to go and make the doctor a female, I’m boycotting the show/I’ve never spoken to a real woman and my neckbeard makes me look like a weirdo [Matt Helders falsetto “weirdoooo”]”

And:

“They shouldn’t have made the companion gay/my Mum’s kicking me out of her basement because her new boyfriend doesn’t want me to stay [Matt Helders falsetto “staaayyyy”]”

She Looks Like Fun

Call me naïve, but I can only assume this song will be a wholesome ballad about a fun day out with the family after a day-trip to a museum or a fairground or something like that, maybe they went for a pub lunch after a nice long walk in the Peak District. This song will not in any way be a sleazy, bass-heavy song about a woman and will in no way treat said woman as an object of sexual desire who can be viewed as ‘fun’. Absolutely not.

Batphone

This song, I predict, will be a sequel to "Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?" in which we find out Alex Turner is Batman. Yep, that’s right – Alex Turner is Batman. Turns out he wasn’t high on drugs when he called, he was high on the justice he’d just dished out in Gotham City!

But he couldn’t have done it without his sidekick, Miles ‘Robin’ Kane, and now he’s back in the Batcave (beneath Meadowhall) with his butler Alfred/Jarvis Cocker, ready to team up with the rest of the Justice League (Arctic Monkeys) and write some music about justice.

In this universe The Joker is played by my Dad, because my Dad does not like Arctic Monkeys, and is thus insane.

The Ultracheese

If Alex Turner had any sense, this song would be about brie. Brie is the ultracheese, there can be no other answer. But I imagine Alex Turner has little sense, and thus this will probably be about blue cheese or some shit like that.

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